The Hairbag Times

Executive shakeup decided over high-stakes game of Monopoly

HEADQUARTERS – The recent shakeup of high-level staff which made waves throughout the Department early this week was decided over a grueling, often combative game of Monopoly between the Police Commissioner and his closest aides, The Hairbag has learned.

Precinct custodian makes sergeant list; didn’t even take exam

UPPER WEST SIDE – In a shocking twist following the release of the largest sergeant list in Department history, Joseph Wilkinson, the 21st Precinct custodian, has made the list without even sitting for the exam, which was administered in February of last year, The Hairbag has learned.

CRC petitions U.S. to be recognized as branch of the Armed Forces

MIDTOWN – Early yesterday, members of the Departments “elite” counterterrorism unit–the Critical Response Command–petitioned the United States Department of Defense to be recognized as combat veterans, The Hairbag has confirmed.

Community Affairs Cop Brokers Peace Deal at BBQ, Wins Nobel Prize

CROWN HEIGHTS – For the first time in Department history, a uniformed member of the service has won the Nobel Peace Prize, The Hairbag has learned.

IAB Outsources Command Center to Philippines; 1st Grade Detectives in Uproar

LOWER MANHATTAN – Earlier this morning, members of the Internal Affairs Bureau assigned to the command center at Hudson Street were told they would be out of a job by years end, as the Department announced it would be outsourcing the work to a private company in Manila.

Newly promoted captain actually reinvents wheel

JAMAICA, QUEENS – Yesterday afternoon, shockwaves were sent through the Department as Captain William Jones, who has been in rank for all but one week, accomplished what none of his predecessors could: he reinvented the wheel.

Miserable cop who recently retired still miserable at new job

VALLEY STREAM – After twenty years of pure, unadulterated suffering while earning six-figures as a member of the service, miserable Willam Swerski was finally hired by a private company post-retirement, The Hairbag has learned.

Police Academy Instructors Confused by Modern Day Policing

COLLEGE POINT, QUEENS – Following a focus group spearheaded by 1PP, a slew of instructors from both the academic and tactics departments of the Police Academy are said to be in a state of total and utter confusion about what’s going on in the streets, sources say.

Entire SRG goes sick to prove point, but no one notices they're missing

MIDTOWN – In a coordinated effort to protest perceived lack of respect by their peers, every single member of SRG went regular sick early Wednesday morning, our Manhattan sources say. There was only one problem: no one realized they were missing.

Cop with Fresh Hashmark Complains About Roll Call Assignment

LOWER EAST SIDE, MANHATTAN – After exactly 4.5 years and 2 minutes of dedicated service to the Department, Police Officer Brickson stood stone faced at roll after being assigned to guard a hospitalized prisoner from the previous tour.