IAB Outsources Command Center to Philippines; 1st Grade Detectives in Uproar
LOWER MANHATTAN – Earlier this morning, members of the Internal Affairs Bureau assigned to the command center at Hudson Street were told they would be out of a job by years end, as the Department announced it would be outsourcing the work to a private company in Manila.
After months of talks, the Police Commissioner signed the agreement last week, which will save the Department approximately $10 million per year. When asked what the reasoning behind the move was, a spokesman from 1PP told The Hairbag it all stemmed from a visit the Police Commissioner took of the facility.
“He was walking around and suddenly realized we had been paying UMOS hundreds of thousands of dollars per year to do a job that a middle-aged, English deficient person in the third-world could do for pennies on the dollar. It just snowballed from there.”
While specifics of the deal are still being kept under wraps, an employee at the private company who goes by the name “Sunshine” told our sources she was looking forward to doing the highly specialized and daunting task of answering the phone and giving out log numbers. “I’m very ready to do it and make good job,” she stated before leaving for her second job at an Amazon call center.
However, it was not all smiles after the announcement was made. Having just been promoted to first-grade, Detective Miguel Gouda was irate at the news. “This is total bull sh—t. You know how hard I worked to get this?” asserted Gouda, tapping his shiny gold shield as it glistened under the fluorescent lamp in his 3” x 3” cubicle.
“Know why it's so shiny?” he asked. “Sunlight. It's never been in direct contact with the sun. That's one of the benefits of being here, doing God's work,” he proudly proclaimed as he opened his drawer, displaying multiple “PCO” collar brass for when he's in uniform.
“When I wear this, the other cops, they'll never know where I really work,” he whispered softly as a sheepish grin took over his face.
Gouda, who estimates having handed out over 1,000 log numbers and untangling just as many phone cords during his time in Internal Affairs, was not looking forward to actually doing real investigative work.
“Look, it’s not that I’m afraid of it or that I don’t know how to do it, but…” Gouda went on, as he searched for redeeming words that would never come.
In the coming months, the facility at Hudson Street will be relegated to the Detective Bureau, who have novel and unique plans to utilize the space for actual investigative work.