Miserable cop who recently retired still miserable at new job
VALLEY STREAM – After twenty years of pure, unadulterated suffering while earning six-figures as a member of the service, miserable Willam Swerski was finally hired by a private company post-retirement, The Hairbag has learned. Swerski, a retired police officer who spent the last 15 years as RMP coordinator of his command before throwing in the towel, was recently hired as a greeter in a Long Island Walmart. The portly 41-year-old can now be found standing at the main entrance excitedly asking new shoppers if he can help them find something, earning a solid $13.00 an hour, a hair above minimum wage.
However, under his cheery demeanor, The Hairbag has learned that Swerski is–in fact–still just as insufferable as when he was a member of the service. “These f—cking bosses are telling me what to do,” Swerski stated, “Don’t they know I was on the job!?”
Department records show that for two decades, Swerski valiantly and selflessly served the City of New York through continuous whining and moaning. Members of his command told us that each day, he would be heard saying “job’s dead” and telling rookies about the good old days in Midtown South, circa 1997.
The Hairbag caught up with his supervisor, who spoke to us on the condition his name would not be released. “William is a great team member and we are so excited to have him here,” proclaimed the 25-year old Walmart store manager. “However, we’re concerned that he may not fully understand his role. This is retail, not police work.”
In fact, last month alone, Swerski racked up ten complaints from customers stating that he pushed them up against a wall, frisking them without cause. Swerski informed the manager that they were all ‘perps.’ However, it turned out they were just local seniors in search of the finest yoga mats. “It was the last week of the quarter and I needed some activity”, proclaimed Swerski.
“I don’t get it!”, Swerski shouted as he sipped the coffee he obtained from the Walmart café, where he recently complained that he wasn’t getting anything on the arm. “This is BS. I give this guy ten 250s and five shoplifters a month and he thinks I’m the problem. What about these do-nothings that just fold sweaters and collect a paycheck. This job sucks!”
The Hairbag caught up with Swerski’s friend from the academy, Deputy Chief Robert Barone, now a borough executive officer. “He would remind me every day how many years/months/days he had left on this job,” Barone stated. “I kept telling him to take the test, but he always responded by calling me a f—cking buff, that he’d be sitting on the beach sipping mojitos by the time he was 41”.
Sadly, our sources confirmed the closest thing to the beach in Swerski’s life these days is the cool breeze from the Mike’s Hard Lemonade fridge in Aisle 12. The store manager attributes this behavior to the fact Swerski has never held a full-time job outside the police department.
In fact, we're told the only other job he has ever held was delivering Newsday part-time in Ronkonkoma, while earning the required sixty college credits from a correspondence school.
Shortly before his retirement, he was heard referring to anyone who used their uniform allowances on uniforms as a company man, before proceeding to write a variety of hateful posts on Thee Rant under the moniker, “OldSchoolCop_97”.
Swerski was recently seen milling about outside the Pension Section, lecturing a local sector car about times when, “the job was the job, and cops were cops.” It was unclear whether he was going inside to be reinstated.