Executive shakeup decided over high-stakes game of Monopoly
HEADQUARTERS – The recent shakeup of high-level staff which made waves throughout the Department early this week was decided over a grueling, often combative game of Monopoly between the Police Commissioner and his closest aides, The Hairbag has learned.
Our source, a first-grade Detective who was tasked with ensuring the bowl of chips remained full at all times, helped shed light on the shocking events, which transpired well into the midnight hours inside of the Joint Operations Center at headquarters.
“It was wild. It started friendly enough, but once the PC got hold of Boardwalk, it was clear he was prepared to do anything for Park Place. And I mean...anything,” said the Detective.
We were told that an unnamed Deputy Commissioner was prepared to be fired if it meant winning this game. “I’ll take my talents to the LAPD or Miami if I have to, but I’m not losing this one,” he reportedly said after acquiring Park Place on a lucky roll of the dice.
By 0300 HRS, only the two men remained, after the Chief of Staff and First Deputy Commissioner went bankrupt from winding up in jail and not passing GO a number of times. “Alright, gentleman. This one is all you. I’ll see you in the morning,” the sharply dressed First Dep. proclaimed mid-yawn. “Damn that Marvin Gardens. Gets me every time,” he quipped on his way out of the building.
“Looks like it just you and me,” the PC bellowed as he stared down his sole remaining opponent. Moments later, he secured the fourth railroad after being directed by a “Community Chest” card.
“Okay, listen. We can help each other here,” the Deputy Commissioner said. “I’m all ears,” the PC replied, with a raised brow and look of skepticism.
“I’m willing to give you Park Place in return for four 3-star chiefs”, the Deputy Commissioner offered. “Are you insane? That’s worth a lot more than what you’re suggesting,” replied the PC as he slammed his fist on the board, causing several houses and game pieces to scatter, which the first-grader immediately put back into place.
As the sun rose upon headquarters, the two men were at an impasse. Yet, the stakes were higher than anyone could have ever imagined.
“Alright, this is my final offer. I’ll give you $4,000, Park Place, a get-out-of-jail-free card, and Baltic and Mediterranean. They’re silent cash-cows, trust me. In return, I want the four 3-stars, a variety of new units created, some ranks completely skipped over, and I also want all the railroads. Oh, and the utilities, too.”
At that moment, the source said, the PC’s interest was piqued. “Deal!” he stood and declared to the Deputy Commissioner. After a firm yet gentle handshake and a time check from central, the exchange was made and the game continued.
Almost immediately, the PC built hotels on every single property. “The game is mine. I got this,” he declared before loosening his tie and cracking his knuckles. As fate would have it, his prediction would prove correct.
Ultimately, the rent for the PC’s Park Place hotel was simply too much to bear for the Deputy Commissioner, as he turned over his thimble in defeat. “Good game, boss,” sighing that he’d finally be able to go home.
“Good game, indeed. And don’t worry, I’m a man of my word,” reassured the PC before motioning to his detail. “Get the Personnel Orders Division on the line forthwith.”
Next week, a new round of executive changes can be expected as the men are scheduled to meet for a game of Operation.