Newly promoted captain actually reinvents wheel
JAMAICA, QUEENS – Yesterday afternoon, shockwaves were sent through the Department as Captain William Jones, who has been in rank for all but one week, accomplished what none of his predecessors could: he reinvented the wheel.
As the new executive officer of his Queens command, Captain Jones was all smiles when he met with The Hairbag. Jones stated, “I always knew I'd accomplish big things as an executive member of the service, but I never thought it would be this big.” He has already hired an attorney to work on filing a patent for his work.
Just days after he was assigned to the command, Captain Jones immediately began to change things that had worked for years, claiming it was the only way to start the reinvention process.
“Basically, I arrived here and realized that things were a mess, they had always been a mess, and that I was the only one who could fix it,” said Jones, who had merely planned on telling some people what to do and that in return, he would be rewarded with his own command.
He started by splitting up steady partners, changing tours, and shifting to a micromanagement style of leadership. When Jones saw how well his methods were working, he went even further.
In an unprecedented way to increase efficiency, he slashed the overtime allotment and immediately denied all UF-28's. “I can't believe no one has ever thought of this before,” Jones excitedly professed. Cops who spoke to The Hairbag at roll call seemed unfazed by the accomplishment.
In an official statement by the Captains Endowment Association (CEA), the union president lauded Jones' feat. “I can't even recall the last time someone got close. This is huge for us, and hopefully it will motivate more people to take the test.” The union plans on naming its new headquarters after Captain Jones, now an icon among aspiring executives.
His commanding officer, Inspector Michael Smith, said, “The job will never be the same. Captains have been trying for years to do something like this. I can't believe I've never thought of doing this before. If I only I knew that denying some 28's and changing cops' tours would get me this far, I'd have been a chief already. I'm proud of him.”
As Captain Jones left the station house for his third midnight duty this week, he plastered a “No Excusals” sign at the desk. “All in a days work, all in a days work,” he said, as he walked out of the command to loud applause and handshakes from the platoon.