Archive of The Job's #1 News Source!
Borough commander obsessed with barriers receives treatment for OCD
MIDTOWN EAST – Early this morning, a borough commander famously obsessed with barriers has voluntarily checked in to a clinic in Malibu, where he will receive psychological treatment to cure his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), The Hairbag has learned.
Department’s Inspector General running out of useless things to write reports on
DOWNTOWN – The mood at the offices of the Department’s Inspector General was glum this morning, as the dedicated and overqualified staff had finally run out of mundane and trivial policies to audit, our sources say.
Man Shocked to Learn Neighbor Disciplined for Improper Memobook Entries
NASSAU COUNTY – Early this morning, a Long Island man woke up to the horrific news that his long-time neighbor, Police Officer Benjamin Wilson, was penalized 5 vacation days for improper memobook entries.
Study reveals it takes more time to shitcan a 61 than to just take the report
QUEENS – Following a year-long study, researchers revealed this afternoon that shitcanning a 61 takes approximately 5.67 minutes longer than it does to simply take the report.
Department curves promotional exam to benefit underrepresented group: quality leaders
DCAS – Following a slew of scandals surrounding the promotional process, the Department this morning was caught red handed curving recent exams in favor of a group that for years, has been underrepresented in the upper ranks: quality leaders
Police Commissioner announces mayor will succeed outgoing Chief of Detectives
CITY HALL – On the heels of appointing a mayoral ally to serve as Deputy Commissioner of Public Information, the Police Commissioner announced this morning that the mayor himself will take over for the outgoing Chief of Detectives, who is set to age out next month, The Hairbag has learned.
“Cops don't get snow days,” says Brooklyn cop who bangs in during storm
BROOKLYN – As the Nor’easter continued to pound the tristate area with snow and sleet on Wednesday, the 64 Precinct is significantly unmanned due to a number of “sheepdogs” who determined they can only hold the line when the weather is fair, sources told The Hairbag.
Bronx DA Indicts Cop for Wearing White Socks
CASTLE HILL – Early this morning, the Bronx District Attorney announced that a secret Grand Jury has delivered a “true bill” and voted to indict PO Jorge Williams on official misconduct charges for wearing white socks on a foot post, The Hairbag has learned.
Former cadet comes to terms with fact no one gives a shit he was a cadet
PARK SLOPE – After finally graduating the police academy, Probationary Police Officer Gomez walked in to the 74th Precinct expecting to be honored for his four years of service as a cadet, where he courageously fetched coffee, shredded papers, and delivered mail, The Hairbag has learned.
Headquarters Security adds more posts to already useless post list
HEADQUARTERS – Last night, cops who arrived at 1PP for the coveted and highly desired headquarters security detail were surprised to learn that 10 new posts had been added to the already daunting list of futile posts, The Hairbag has learned. This makes police headquarters less accessible than nearby Federal Plaza, the courthouse, and Kennedy Airport.