Man Shocked to Learn Neighbor Disciplined for Improper Memobook Entries
NASSAU COUNTY – Early this morning, a Long Island man woke up to the horrific news that his long-time neighbor, Police Officer Benjamin Wilson, was penalized 5 vacation days for improper memobook entries.
The news came when David Lassetter sat down to read about new Kardashian sex tapes and where to find gluten free croissants in his favorite blog, FuzzBleed, which has seemingly evolved from annoying clickbait into a pillar of the journalism community.
That’s when he saw their groundbreaking journalistic masterpiece, which contained Departmental disciplinary records in a searchable database.
“I have no idea what a memobook is nor what ‘CMD Pref Charges’ means, but I am absolutely disgusted that such a monster lives next door to me,” David Lassetter told The Hairbag at his Mineola home.
Back in 2011, Wilson was given a Command Discipline from Brooklyn South inspections for improper memobook entries. Wilson disagreed with the penalty and elected for Charges and Specifications.
“I thought I was past this,” Wilson told the Hairbag. “That was until my neighbor came banging on my door this morning demanding I return his lawn mower. I can’t believe this information was made public. I’m so embarrassed everyone now knows I didn’t write down where I took my meal on that fateful day at that pointless detail.”
FuzzBleed, known primarily for famed quizzes such as, “10 ways to tell your penis is acting up” and “How to pass gas in public without anyone finding out,” conducted a deep, skilled investigation that uncovered thousands of UMOS’ disciplinary records.
It must not have been an easy feat, as these records were so well protected that only a mere 56,000 people had access via the Personnel Orders link on the Intranet homepage.
The blog has now propelled itself into the big leagues, and will be competing with The New York Times and Washington Post for a Pulitzer for their work in merely opening an attachment they were e-mailed by a disgruntled cop.
“They’re actually not hard to find at all,” a Department spokesman told the Hairbag. “We really make no effort to make these classified. Sure, we’d have preferred it to remain in-house, but I’m pretty sure even the tow-truck driver at the Brooklyn tow pound can look this stuff up.”
Thankfully, FuzzBleed attempted to protect identities by partially redacting insignificant tax numbers which actually protect nobody.
Lassetter said, “I saw Benjamin Wilson’s name and then 941xxx” as he described the article.
“You know, looking back, I wasn’t sure if it was him or not. It could have been any Benjamin Wilson. If only I had the complete tax number, perhaps I’d have been certain, even though I have zero idea what that number means, represents, or signifies.”
The Department announced they are determined to locate the source of the leak, as FuzzBleed announced their next plan to release official, classified posts from TheeRant.
As a result, all internal investigation units were pulled from high-profile cases such as, “Who wore white socks to court?” and “Did the desk officer write down if the 1970’s patrol guide hard copy was accounted for?” to work on the caper.
The Hairbag estimates that with the investigative prowess of these units, the leak will be identified sometime between now and never.