Department curves promotional exam to benefit underrepresented group: quality leaders
DCAS – Following a slew of scandals surrounding the promotional process, the Department this morning was caught red handed curving recent exams in favor of a group that for years, has been underrepresented in the upper ranks: quality leaders The shocking news spread throughout the job like an attractive rookie at a command Christmas party, The Hairbag was told.
According to well-placed sources, it appears the Department had no intention of releasing the highly controversial news, in which the passing score on exams was lowered to 60%.
Complicating matters even further, it was uncovered that a private consulting firm was hired by the city. The firm specializes in creating and grading promotional exams which favor quality leaders, instead of merely promoting assholes.
The lack of decent leadership has been an issue for quite some time, with the Department having an admittedly difficult time in compelling those who actually give a shit about others to take promotional exams.
When questioned, a Department spokesman stated, “The Department is committed to catching up with the times and being able to proudly say our supervisors are reflective of the community we police. Our analysis showed that in the ‘quality leader’ category, we were severely lacking. The New York City population is approximately 25% quality leader, whereas in the Department, that number barely hovers above 5%. All we did was take some measures to correct it, in secret, so one would know.”
The news came as a shock to hundreds of members of the service, whose suspicions that something was off were finally validated.
Police Officer Johannsen, who is 1/16 native quality leader via his father, said, “At the protest session for the last sergeant exam, I got a 65. Then all of a sudden, the list comes out and I have a 75. It’s crazy. Sure, I got some extra points, but it’s about time. The monopoly of poor leadership at the top of this Department has gone on far too long. They completely discounted us. Well, you know what, it’s a new dawn.”
Not everyone was thrilled at the news, however. In Staten Island, Sergeant Parmesano was deeply upset and indicated his intention to file a lawsuit.
“I just took the lieutenant exam and studied my ass off for a raw score of 70. Now, you mean to tell me some guy with better leadership skills who actually cares about the well-being of his squad is gonna’ get made before me? It’s a load of crap. I earned the right to deny 28’s without cause, enforce bogus rules the C.O. gives me, and look only after myself. It’s not my fault those quality leaders can’t pass on their own”, said Parmesano before ignoring his highest performing cop’s request for lost time while ten cars were out and holding no jobs.
Later on, The Hairbag reached out to City Hall for comment. A mayoral spokesman reassured reporters that the progressive administration is committed to fairness, and that while the Department has made great strides in achieving that goal, it was decent, quality leaders who were still at a disadvantage.
“That’s due to the negative effect that decades of economic and legislative policies have had on this particular group”, the spokesman continued. “It’s time that we introduce true leadership into the higher ranks”, he proclaimed.
By day's end, those on both sides of the argument took to DCAS headquarters in order to demand answers on how promotional exams are graded.
The event, being dubbed as, “The March For Our Scores”, will be televised and is slated to go on for several hours.
Calls to DCAS for comment went unanswered. We were later told the staff of 100 employees at the testing unit heard the phone ringing, but simply did not have the common sense to answer it.