Study reveals it takes more time to shitcan a 61 than to just take the report
QUEENS – Following a year-long study, researchers revealed this afternoon that shitcanning a 61 takes approximately 5.67 minutes longer than it does to simply take the report.
The news sent shockwaves citywide, as members of the service in nearly every command were now reevaluating their methods of talking their way out of doing routine police work.
The study – funded by the Department and carried out by renowned academics at Sheepdog University in Ronkonkoma – is reportedly the first of its kind.
For generations, rookies were taught the golden rule: that taking a 61 would cause all sorts of problems, and that it was just easier to spend hours avoiding it. Now, the study reveals, that seems not to be the case.
Professor Alvin von Buffstein, a German criminal justice scholar, headed the study.
“We took a sample size of 150 uniformed members of the service in all three bureaus, including those at the telephone switchboard. We didn't expect the results we got. Turns out, the cops who just took the report were done minutes faster than those who tried to talk their way out of it,” von Buffstein explained. “More shockingly, those who took the report felt 100% less guilt than those who did not,” he continued.
Several cops we caught up with were not convinced. In Queens, Police Officer Wickman had just finished spending half his tour explaining to a complainant that a report wasn't necessary when The Hairbag approached his RMP.
“Listen, some bookworms aren't going to teach me how to do my job. They don't understand us. They can take their findings and shove it,” a seemingly upset Wickman shouted, as he marked a confirmed 10-24 as 90Y before proceeding to his next one.
We caught up with the victim of that 10-24, who told us, “That officer was very professional. He convinced me I did in fact have a history of nose bleeds, and that odds are the guy who punched me did it by accident. God bless him.”
Over in Manhattan, Detective-Specialist Chambers – recently bounced to patrol from Community Affairs for not hosting enough barbecues – was taken aback by the study.
“This blows my mind. I can't believe how much time I've been wasting trying to avoid merely filling in captions and checking off boxes,” Chambers said. “Now that I think about it, you're pretty much crossing off half the report anyway.”
Von Buffstein echoed the sentiment. “We compared the Department's report-taking policies with those of several other real police agencies. Turns out, most of them require actual report taking by their officers. You know, taking statements, using complete sentences, and making sure spell-check is utilized.”
The Hairbag was able to independently verify these claims. The Department does in fact require minimal effort and skill in report taking, while officers who shitcan are 95% more likely to complain than fellow cops who actually do more work.
When asked for comment, the Department responded by reiterating that, “New York is America's Safest Big City.” However, that statement has nothing to do with the study our reporters asked about.
The spokesman apologized, stating that he is trained to simply regurgitate that line when asked about anything even remotely related to the job.
By day's end, police officers throughout the city, including transit and anti-crime, were observed taking reports for a multitude of offenses, including simple violations closed to patrol.
“Yesterday, I'd have just told the complainant a harassment report wasn't worth it, or that it wouldn't go anywhere, or to come back on the next tour. Now, I saved so much time just doing the report,” the unnamed officer excitedly announced.
Later that night, Professor Von Buffstein boarded a plane back to Munich. He is slated to receive a litany of awards for his role in revolutionizing the way uniformed members of the service do their jobs by merely doing their jobs.