“Cops don't get snow days,” says Brooklyn cop who bangs in during storm
BROOKLYN – As the Nor’easter continued to pound the tristate area with snow and sleet on Wednesday, the 64 Precinct is significantly unmanned due to a number of “sheepdogs” who determined they can only hold the line when the weather is fair, sources told The Hairbag.
In fact, the command has a total of one sector covering the entire precinct, as nearly the entire platoon of police officers could not make it out of their mothers' driveways.
“As soon as I saw the forecast predict some sort of precipitation, I knew all the Long Island & Upstate guys were going to give me some sob story and call out,” said desk officer Sgt. Brendan Shanley.
”I don't get it. For some reason, these residence county driveways become impossible to navigate when there's even a hint of snow.”
As the news broke, The Hairbag decided to drive out deep into Long Island to interview the only 64 Precinct UMOS who returned our call. When asked about the current weather conditions, PO Zeke Rodriguez proclaimed, “I am a first responder, sir!” from the doorway of his raised ranch Islip home, wearing New York Jets pajama pants and a thin-blue-line shirt.
“But, look, you cannot expect me to risk my own personal safety driving on the LIE.”
However, PO Rodriguez assured us he would risk his own life on patrol, should the need arise. “Bullets and snow are not the same, bro. One is obviously more dangerous than the other,” he shouted as he flailed his arms, causing his buff shirt to rise, exposing his overhanging gut.
As our reporters surveyed the property, it was determined that PO Rodriguez has a readily available means of getting to work.
Shockingly, we observed a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon in his driveway sporting a 5-Inch lift and vanity license plate that read “NVROFFDTY.” We can only assume the vehicle was purchased during his brief stint in anti-crime back when he had less than five years on the job.
Parked immediately adjacent to the snow-covered Wrangler was a 2003 Toyota Prius, which was in the final stages of being completely dug out by PO Rodriguez' sister, who was rushing to make it to her shift at the nearby Target.
“I can’t wait to become a first responder so I don’t have to go to work when it snows,” she said.
As we spoke with his sister, Rodriguez posted a clever meme to his Facebook page, which read: “So you get a day off because it’s snowing? That’s cute.”
When asked about his contradictory post, Rodriguez stated, “Listen, it's treacherous out there. Suffolk PD told us to stay off the roads and the Ronkonkoma line is always fucked.”
However, he was unable to provide a response when we informed him that no issues were encountered driving to his home from One Hairbag Plaza in our 2002 front-wheel-drive news van.
As we were leaving, Rodriguez was threatened with a command discipline from his ICO if he didn’t come to work.
Shortly thereafter, his Jeep Wrangler was seen driving 30mph over the speed limit past exit 42 toward the Jackie Robinson Parkway.
Sources told The Hairbag that later in the tour, he went LOD for a sprained finger.