The Hairbag Times

PARK SLOPE – After finally graduating the police academy, Probationary Police Officer Gomez walked in to the 74th Precinct expecting to be honored for his four years of service as a cadet, where he courageously fetched coffee, shredded papers, and delivered mail, The Hairbag has learned.

Sources tell us PPO Gomez confidently stated, “I had no doubt they’d look at me with approval, knowing the sacrifices I had made.”

However, the rude awakening he encountered hit like a ton of bricks. It all began in the locker room, as the platoon was preparing for roll call.

After a flurry of complaints to the admin office about how he deserves a second locker, Gomez proudly told his fellow academy graduates not to get too happy as the vacation picks went around, proclaiming his one-day seniority would enable him to take Christmas off.

“I earned this with blood, sweat, tears, and transferring calls”, shouted Gomez as the locker room erupted in laughter. To make matters worse, he was ridiculed as he plastered his locker with buff stickers, including one which read, “The Few, The Proud, The Cadet Corps,” somehow equating his time in cadet blue as a form of military service.

Fellow PPO Josephson, who himself served two tours in Iraq, was not amused. “This 21 year old kid answered some phones and pushed a mail cart around while I fought terrorists in Baghdad. Now he tells me he wants Memorial Day off for his annual 'Cadet-Vet-BBQ' because he has seniority. Fuck outta here.” Unfortunately for Gomez, his misfortune only continued.

Sources said that in the muster room, Gomez approached the patrol supervisor and requested the later meal, a time slot often reserved for senior members of the platoon.

After the sergeant ignored his request, Gomez was speechless. “These five-year wonders have no respect,” he mumbled to himself before taking his spot in the formation, shaking his head as the sergeant spoke.

Within minutes, his assignment was announced: “Gomez, TS.” His displeasure was immediately apparent, appearing as if he had just spotted a ghost.

“You know, back when I came on, time was respected,” stated a disheartened Gomez, as he prepared to change into his admin uniform.

Later in the tour, as Gomez finished shitcanning his umpteenth 61, he boasted about how he should be out in the field driving the boss, because, “I could help supervise with my vast experience. But no. Instead, I'm here doing a rookie's job.”

He sought to reach out to his former delegate at the Cadet Corps, but his fifteen calls went unanswered. “Fuck my life,” he was heard mumbling mid-tour.

As he prepared his Restricted Parking Permit application, he had come to terms with his newfound reality. “I guess no one really gives a shit about us. I mean, now that I think about it, all I really did was, well, nothing.”

He then shouted to a group of officers nearby, “Hey, guys, how do I run a plate?”