Bronx DA Indicts Cop for Wearing White Socks
CASTLE HILL – Early this morning, the Bronx District Attorney announced that a secret Grand Jury has delivered a “true bill” and voted to indict PO Jorge Williams on official misconduct charges for wearing white socks on a foot post, The Hairbag has learned.
The indictment for this fashion faux-pas alleges that on December 17, 2017, PO Williams of the 51 Precinct wore white socks while standing on Grand Concourse near Yankee Stadium, causing multiple area crackheads and unlicensed street peddlers to look on in disbelief.
One man-who identified himself only as “Tidepod” told us this sort of thing is why the police get no respect. “When is this shit going to end? Every day it's something new. They want respect from the public? Ok, then how about you leave the white socks at home? It's degrading. It's like 'Stop & Frisk' all over again!” he angrily proclaimed.
The Bronx District Attorney, known as a hardliner on police tactics, stated in an official press release, “Trust between the public and police has been at an all time low. Finally, the citizens of the Bronx can rest easy knowing that their calls for justice will be heard. No longer will this office tolerate our police committing atrocities such as arresting criminals, defending themselves from sudden death, and as we see in this case, wearing white socks on-duty.”
At his arraignment, The Hairbag caught up with PO Williams for comment. “I mean, you know, it was laundry day. I had one pair of black socks left in my locker but they had holes in them. Roll call was about to start so I made a split-second judgement call and now, it may cost me my career. Next time, I'll just take the easy way out and wear the ones with holes. But then again, I'd probably get indicted for that, too.”
Meanwhile, midnight duty captains across the city rejoiced as their existence has now been justified. Finally, it appeared all the command disciplines they had given for white socks were not in vain. “See? We were on to something this whole time!” a number of captains stated as they waited on line at a local Staples, hoping to take advantage of a 25% off sale on green paper.
Shockingly, later in the day, a motion to dismiss the case was granted by Judge Harold T. Stone. “Prosecutorial overreach in this case is clear. We don't have the convenience of using hindsight to look in their closets and see if they had black socks before their tours began. It's not always cut-and-dry and there isn't always a simple textbook answer.”
After hearing of the dismissal, the Bronx DA resigned in protest. Sources tell us he was last seen with aides planning a run for Baltimore City DA.