Police Commissioner announces mayor will succeed outgoing Chief of Detectives
CITY HALL – On the heels of appointing a mayoral ally to serve as Deputy Commissioner of Public Information, the Police Commissioner announced this morning that the mayor himself will take over for the outgoing Chief of Detectives, who is set to age out next month, The Hairbag has learned.
This decision comes as a shock to the rank-and-file who question the mayor’s lack of police experience and overall motivation. However, a spokesman stated, “The mayor is well versed in investigations and law enforcement.”
He continued, stating, “In fact, he was head of security for his Sandinista group throughout the 1980’s and has an overall sense of undeserving self-worth. This makes him a perfect fit for the executive ranks.”
The mayor’s spokesman reassured New Yorkers that politics did not play a role in this heavily coveted appointment, reiterating that he is clearly the best man for the job.
“There is no better candidate out there – literally no one on earth – to serve as Chief of Detectives than the mayor, who will ensure that New York continues to be the safest big city in America.”
When our reporters questioned if the litany of career investigators in the rank of chief were considered for the position, the spokesman referred such questions to the Police Commissioner, who referred them back to the Mayor's office, who referred them back to DCPI, who then refused to answer.
As he polished his three gold stars, the mayor announced he had several ideas in the works, many of which mirrored internal policy at City Hall. He claimed such a reprioritization of casework is critical to the Bureau’s success in the future.
“The days of hard working, gritty investigations are over. They will be replaced by snap judgments and immediate assumptions without first obtaining facts.”
Later, it was announced a 22-year-old recent graduate from the University of Vermont will be appointed executive officer of the Detective Bureau, which is a glaring change from her current position as a CCRB investigator.
“She brings a new vision and direction to the Detective Bureau. She will finally be able to use the valuable skills acquired while investigating whether cops used a bad word or neglected to make a meaningless memo book entry”, the mayor said.
The new hire will oversee major narcotics investigations while simultaneously ensuring no campaign donors are investigated. Her first order of business will be opening an investigation on the governor, which the mayor claimed, “Definitely isn’t political. I swear.”
Meanwhile, it is rumored the city’s First Lady has been added to the shortlist for head of the Intelligence Bureau. When asked about this odd choice, the Police Commissioner replied, “This is definitely my decision and mine alone.”
The press conference ended abruptly as the mayor indicated he had to leave for the airport, in order to make it on time for his flight to Zanzibar.
During his month long trip, he plans to partake in several progressive rallies and meetings for purposes that cannot be even remotely linked to New York City.