Headquarters Security adds more posts to already useless post list
HEADQUARTERS – Last night, cops who arrived at 1PP for the coveted and highly desired headquarters security detail were surprised to learn that 10 new posts had been added to the already daunting list of futile posts, The Hairbag has learned. This makes police headquarters less accessible than nearby Federal Plaza, the courthouse, and Kennedy Airport.
The new posts include an additional cop at each of the entrance points. The cop’s duties entail waiting to receive a thumbs up from one cop, then turning around to give a thumbs up to a third cop. The third cop will then return a thumbs up and push a button to lower a barrier. Once the vehicle passes through, the first cop will then give the second cop a thumbs down. The second cop then gives the third cop the same thumbs down and the third cop will proceed to push a button to raise the barrier. After the ordeal, a gentle head-nod between the officers helps build camaraderie.
Cops who manned the high-profile posts informed The Hairbag the entire process takes about ten minutes, but it gave them much peace of mind. “I know some cops don't like these posts, but we're performing a service. With these security features, we know no one is getting through. If not for us, the palace would be under attack. We like to think of it as a real life game of capture the flag.”
We reached out to the Headquarters Security Unit for comment, and spoke with Sergeant King, who stated, “We were getting complaints that movement around the 1PP area was cumbersome and some people felt that the security features and protocols didn’t really do anything. So we responded the best way we knew how: by adding more cops.”
For example, in light of the recent attacks, the Department responded by adding an additional post and third barrier that will be positioned between two existing barriers. This is in line with an official study which showed terrorists are statistically less likely to attack when confronted with three barriers instead of two.
When asked if the new posts were perhaps inconveniencing the officers more than anything else, King responded, “These guys are lucky. They get to pack up all their equipment, reschedule their plans, and travel all the way downtown to spend 12 hours taking part in something bigger than themselves. Now that's a privilege,” King proclaimed from inside the security office, feet on the desk and tie clipped to his collar, never making direct eye contact as Fox News played on a nearby television.
These new posts come in addition to an already trifling post list that include the cop that just stands there at the front door, the second cop in the gatehouse, the cop that sits on Park Row to let busses pass, the guy near the gas pumps who makes sure you show your ID after having already passed through three secure checkpoints, and the cop at the Annex Parking Garage entrance who ensures you have your placard before proceeding to the second cop who also ensures you have your placard, and is competently trained to believe he or she is defending Fort Knox. “No placard, no entry”, the cop on the post was heard saying. “Sorry, chief,” he told the uniform-clad driver.
Instead of additional posts, the only other option on the table was implementing new state-of-the-art features. This includes automatic identification card scanners, sensors that would automatically control barriers for vehicles, and biometric technology.
However, such ideas that would put cops back to doing police work were turned down.
“Why would we put in place efficient cost saving technology, when we can spend $20 million a year in overtime for cops to do trivial, mundane work that high-IQ primates could do with little training?” King said in a statement.
As we departed, a burly officer gave the thumbs up, as the partially functioning barrier lifted. We approached him and thanked him for his hard work, to which he offered a blank stare and after five minutes replied, “Sorry, pal. I can only say “Hello” or “Good Morning” to every third car. It keeps me on my toes.”
UPDATE: Following our story, the Police Commissioner has announced he will be disbanding the Headquarters Security Unit. The contract was awarded to an area security firm known for defending department stores and Costco. We're told the change will be twice as efficient and cost half as much. Sergeant King chose not to comment from his spot on line at the pension section.