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Confusion erupts as HQ security can’t verify if cop in full uniform driving marked RMP is real cop
DOWNTOWN – The situation was tense at the corner of Park Row and Worth Street this morning, as two uniformed members of the service were briefly detained by elite members of the headquarters security unit, The Hairbag has learned.
Department will explicitly teach recruits not to break the law
COLLEGE POINT – After recent events caused widespread embarrassment to the Department, it was announced that the current recruit curriculum will be amended, The Hairbag has learned. The course, entitled “The Law: Don’t Break It,” is set to debut immediately.
Cop torn between social media righteousness and foot comfort
PEARL RIVER – Enraged by Nike’s recent decision to sign Colin Kaepernick for their new advertising campaign, PO Bologne stood solemn in his mother’s backyard prepared to burn all items bearing the abhorant Nike “Swoosh” symbol, The Hairbag has learned.
Mystery illness strikes entire command weekend before J’ouvert
EASTERN PARKWAY – As the litany of last-minute notifications began to flood commands citywide faster than e-Day requests on Super Bowl Sunday, one particular precinct in Brooklyn found itself at the center of a medical mystery, sources told The Hairbag.
Job mandates ‘tactical mud training’ during qualification cycle
RODMAN'S NECK – Following outcry from all five police unions concerning the safety of uniformed members when faced with violent, ill-intentioned mud, the Department has reacted by requiring a new series of instruction to be administered during the semi-annual firearms qualification cycle, The Hairbag has learned.
'I told you so': Precinct goes to shit while CO on vacation
QUEENS – Earlier today, the commanding officer of the 117th Precinct returned from a long-planned vacation to find his command in shambles, The Hairbag has learned.
Inspector wins hearts and minds with pre-detail speech
MANHATTAN – As hundreds of members of the service gathered around a muster location, which was scribbled on the notification slip many had tried in vain to avoid, Departmental preparations for the Annual Eastern European Southern Regional Ancestors Heritage Parade were just getting underway.
PBA President assures new recruits ‘taking the hit’ is best possible outcome
POLICE ACADEMY – The same day that newly minted Probationary Police Officers received their shiny shields and lowest-bidder firearms, the president of the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association (PBA) welcomed them into the nations largest police union by informing them on how to properly receive a command discipline, The Hairbag witnessed.
Transit Bureau to be disbanded, replaced by TSA agents
METROTECH – As the uptick in crime around the city’s subway system continued into the tenth straight CompStat period, the Police Commissioner announced this morning that the entire Transit Bureau will be disbanded in favor of a more respected and efficient outfit, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), The Hairbag has learned.
Department set to replace new iPhone with 1999 era flip-phone
HEADQUARTERS – Only months into the citywide issuance of state-of-the-art Apple iPhones to members of the service, the Department has just announced they will be doing away with the technology in favor of a more utilitarian cellular device, according to a spokesman from Telephone Information Technology Services, or TITS.