Department will explicitly teach recruits not to break the law
COLLEGE POINT – After recent events caused widespread embarrassment to the Department, it was announced that the current recruit curriculum will be amended, The Hairbag has learned. The course, entitled “The Law: Don’t Break It,” is set to debut immediately.
The newly designed series of instruction is intended to teach new officers about how to handle a variety of commonly overlooked gray areas, such as official misconduct and prostitution rings.
Parts of the lesson plan, leaked to The Hairbag on the condition of anonymity, include several tidbits such as:
-“Why protecting criminal gangs is bad.”
-“Promoting Prostitution: This likely won’t end well.”
-”Lying: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
-”Sex with someone in custody: What are the pitfalls?”
The courses will also generally reinforce that no good can come from having someone touch your genitalia in exchange for money, especially on job time.
“With prior police academy classes, it became apparent there were misunderstandings,” said Sergeant Andrew Lasseter, a 25-year academy instructor.
”So, we decided to get back to basics. We’ll be starting each lesson of the day with a quick overview about morals and what they are,” said Lasseter, a self-proclaimed harbinger of morality who often cheats on his wife with cadets.
In addition to classroom instruction, there will hands-on scenarios at Floyd Bennet Field, in a newly designed “corruption simulator,” which was built at a cost of $5 million using funds initially set aside for pay raises.
During this state-of-the-art exercise, recruits will be offered cash several times in exchange for “looking the other way” in a variety of virtual scenarios. Each time the recruit reaches out to take cash, he or she will be slapped with a ruler by a trained and respected instructor.
“This will continue until the recruit no longer reaches for the money. We estimate it may take weeks of repetition before the recruit fully understands the repercussions of corruption. It’s basic negative reinforcement,” said Sergeant Lasseter.
We spoke with one of the probationary police officers who participated, PPO James Knox. “I gotta say. I had no idea that protecting gangs was a no-no, and that doing so would embarrass fellow cops and make their jobs harder. Now that I was specifically and directly told not to, I have a better picture of whats expected of me,” said Knox, as he entered the classroom for today’s lesson, “Gangbanger: Friend or Foe?”
To make room for this new critical and apparently necessary course of instruction, the Department will be doing away with current lessons such as proper courtroom testimony, tactical training, and lawful search and seizure, thereby freeing up a solid three months which will now be devoted to teaching new police officers that cops enforce the law and don’t break it.
In an official statement, a Department spokesman said, “We have made the egregious error of assuming that new recruits entering the police academy have been taught the difference between right and wrong by their parents.”
The spokesman concluded by saying, “Considering the City Council has prevented us from having any discerning or selective process, we must take it upon ourselves to teach these young recruits what should have been taught in kindergarten. Also, New York is America’s safest big city and crime is down.”
To further assist, The Hairbag has learned that the city is currently in negotiations to have Big Bird teach a portion of the curriculum, as this might be a more effective way of conveying the difference between right and wrong.
When approached for comment, Big Bird stated, “If there’s anything I know how to do, it’s teach the most basic and rudimentary topics in an easy and simple to understand way.
I look forward to working with the Police Department in helping cops understand to keep their hands out of the cookie jar,” as he extinguished a Marlboro Red on a lamppost before driving away on Sesame Street in his yellow BMW convertible.