Transit Bureau to be disbanded, replaced by TSA agents
METROTECH – As the uptick in crime around the city’s subway system continued into the tenth straight CompStat period, the Police Commissioner announced this morning that the entire Transit Bureau will be disbanded in favor of a more respected and efficient outfit, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), The Hairbag has learned.
The Police Commissioner reluctantly took questions from an aghast group of reporters, who did not anticipate the shocking announcement, but instead merely expected to be told that crime was down and that New York was America’s safest big city, which had been the norm for the thousandth consecutive press briefing.
“In the spirit of neighborhood policing, we’re making some big changes to the way we police underground,” the PC announced. “The old way just wasn’t working, and we think the TSA is better suited to help keep commuters safe. We’re even rolling out a new motto, ‘Check a bag, Save a life', quipped the Commissioner.
“Since transit cops are notoriously allergic to police work, we figured why not replace them with an equally unmotivated and unprofessional group of individuals?” he continued. “They also cost much less. The results will be astonishing.”
When reached for comment, the TSA informed us their incredibly high standards and unique ability to employ only the finest of the fine will ensure the safety of all commuters, who will now condescendingly be asked for their MetroCard upon entry to the system before being directed to remove their shoes in an authoritarian tone.
“I’m so happy,” said TSA agent Dustin Olafsun. “I was rejected by PD for some nonsense gun trafficking arrest but now, I’ll be just like a real cop doing train checks and pretending I know how to give directions,” he went on.
Olafsun was particularly happy he would now be able to say he was “on the job” without getting laughed at when getting pulled over. “This is a dream for me,” he said as he entered Queens Criminal Court to answer for a disorderly conduct summons he received the week prior.
While it’s unclear how the newly displaced cops will be reassigned, the majority of them don’t have high hopes. “Fuck, man. I used my hook to get here after the academy. It was great. No 53’s, no domestics, no backlog. Basically, no police work at all,” said Officer Harminson.
“Now they expect me to go topside and do what? Make car stops and fill out PAR's? Total bullshit!”, continued Harminson, who has 18 years on the job of which none was spent actually being the police. He then left the scrubber room with a look of defeat on his unshaven, yet seemingly well-rested face.
Across town, Officer Mikelko was seen memorizing 10-codes he hasn’t heard since the academy. “10-55, that’s like the hospital, right? I’m so fucked.” However, he did rejoice in the fact he would know be able to say “hostile takeover” and actually know what he was talking about.
Shortly after our interview, he was seen at the Medical Division asking if inhaling brake dust was eligible for a ¾ pension. “If I can’t stand around a folding table and BS with other cops under the guise of doing bag checks, then I want nothing to do with this job,” Mikelko told The Hairbag.
When asked how he was able to achieve a whopping 100% decrease in turnstile jumping since the disbanding, the Commissioner informed us the TSA will be replacing turnstiles with miles of twisting and turning velvet rope.
“Whay better way to eliminate turnstile jumping than by eliminating turnstiles altogether?” he continued. “That’s called proactive police work, and we do it better than anyone.”