Department set to replace new iPhone with 1999 era flip-phone
HEADQUARTERS – Only months into the citywide issuance of state-of-the-art Apple iPhones to members of the service, the Department has just announced they will be doing away with the technology in favor of a more utilitarian cellular device, according to a spokesman from Telephone Information Technology Services, or TITS.
The spokesman, Lt. Mulvaney, made the unexpected announcement at a press conference which was met with gasps from the crowd.
He stated, “TITS has been at the forefront of dated technology for years. We wouldn’t be the finest Department in the world without continuing the ‘one step forward, two steps back’ approach.”
It is unclear why the move was made, given how well received the Apple devices were. Sergeant Kim Hughes, a patrol supervisor in Queens, said she loved the phone.
“It’s great. It’s so much better than that junk we had before. I don’t even need to scan my ID anymore, and it barely lags,” she told us.
“I don’t get why they have to change it again. Now I won’t be able to check 911 jobs, but I guess I can use the long antenna as an impact weapon, so at least there’s that.”
Throughout the city, many members of the service echoed the sergeant’s sentiment. Police Officer Larkman had just finished putting the new iPhone on his gun belt when we broke the news to him.
“What the hell are you saying? Now how am I supposed to check how long I’ve been holding a 10-11? I can’t just show up quickly after it's assigned and mark it in a timely fashion! This makes no sense. The job's on the level.”
Back at headquarters, Mulvaney leaned against the various pie charts on the whiteboard inside his office, which contained a variety of information on contract bids from the 5 lowest bidders.
“See, right around here, this is the cheapest at around $3 million. Not even the North Koreans would use this company,” speaking as if that was a good thing.
“Sure, the device is clunky, old, and can do little more than make calls, but think of how nostalgic the cops will feel. After all, this is about them,” abruptly cutting himself off as he peeked up from the decades old phone.
“Nice! I just beat my personal best at Snake!” he boasted. “But cops won't be able to access the game on their phones. We blocked that out for safety reasons.”
Later in the day, at a public demonstration of the device in the headquarters auditorium, several of the highly coveted features were shown to members of the media, who were told they could expect to be there for several hours.
However, since the device has only one feature and 3 buttons, they were out by lunch. In the coming months, Mulvaney said his team would be tackling the issue of backdating all Department MDTs.
“The current setup is way too new. We’re talking with other Departments to see what they used 20 years ago. We set aside a few millions for repairs since there’s a good chance we’ll be the only ones using it and parts won't be available.”
In an unexpected development, The Hairbag was told by a handful of TITS [staff] that rumors about typewriters making a comeback were in fact true.
“PETS was making things way too efficient. Cops were vouchering property and getting back on patrol in a manner of minutes. We can't have that,” Mulvaney shrugged, holding his now useless iPhone 7 to the window in hopes of salvaging the last remaining bar of service to answer the twentieth spam call of the hour from heavily accented Johh Smith, an IRS Agent.
The Hairbag reached out to the Chief of TITS for comment, but her staff informed us she was busy at a board meeting for the very same company who was awarded the contract, where she serves as chairman.
However, we're told this is no more than a mere coincidence.