Mystery illness strikes entire command weekend before J’ouvert
EASTERN PARKWAY – As the litany of last-minute notifications began to flood commands citywide faster than e-Day requests on Super Bowl Sunday, one particular precinct in Brooklyn found itself at the center of a medical mystery, sources told The Hairbag.
With days to go before J’ouvert celebrations kick off, the sick desk at Lefrak City was inundated with calls from members of the service-including the entire 74th Precinct-who fell victim to inexplicable illnesses that would prevent them from participating in annual Department festivities such as, “musical vouchers” and the always competitive, “pick up that brass.”
“We’ve had to summon double the amount of cops on restricted duty to handle the influx of calls,” said Sergeant Meeker, the elusive sick desk supervisor. “If I wanted this much added responsibility, I’d have stayed on patrol.”
Back at the stationhouse, the team of dedicated medical professionals dispatched by the Medical Division to investigate the source of the outbreak had just arrived on scene.
“We’ll be taking samples of the lead paint in the locker room and the asbestos in the muster room to see if there’s any reason these cops may be getting sick, beyond the usual toxic amounts, of course,” said Dr. Glenn Liebling, who makes no secret of his love for law enforcement in return for a marginally legitimate parking placard.
The good doctor went on to say, “I consider it my duty to help these cops. I mean, I do it daily at the district. Giving cops a week off for their harrowing tales of explosive diarrhea and hemorrhoids reminds me of why I got into medicine in the first place. That sort of skill makes me uniquely qualified to diagnose this problem,” he said before sampling water from the fountain.
“Nope, it’s not the water,” he shouted to an assistant at the opposite end of the muster room. “It’s the normal shade of moderate-to-dark brown. Business as usual over here. We may have to call in the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) on this one. I’m completely stumped,” he concluded.
Meanwhile, in the muster room, fly-ins from other parts of the borough were less than thrilled at having to backfill the entire command. We discussed the matter with Police Officer Jurgens, who expressed his displeasure.
“What the fuck, man. I shouldn’t even be here. I mean, I’m not mad at them. I just hope they all get better. Terrible thing to have that happen before such a fun, safe event. I know I speak for a lot of people when I say there’s no better place I’d rather be on straight time,” said Jurgens.
As our team of reporters searched the command to ascertain more details, not one pair of 7-4 collar brass was spotted. As we approached the commanding officer’s quarters, we heard faint mumblings coming from inside.
As we entered, we encountered Deputy Inspector Gobles, discussing with the borough how he planned to “lock down” his zone at the J’Ouvert detail and prevent any sort of violence.
“Sure, I’m upset. But it’s not the fault of nearly one hundred individuals that their immune systems aren’t up to par. Coincidences like that don’t just happen,” he shrugged.
“Anyway, I gotta go. I think I’m coming cough down with something.” Sources later told The Hairbag the Deputy Inspector was spotted on line at his medical district, a mere hour before his report time to the detail.
Miraculously, all members of the service returned to work on Tuesday, after their symptoms suddenly dissappeard. Spotted at the Medical Division, Dr. Liebling shouted,“It’s a Labor Day miracle!” raising his fist to the flickering light in the waiting area.