Cop torn between social media righteousness and foot comfort
PEARL RIVER – Enraged by Nike’s recent decision to sign Colin Kaepernick for their new advertising campaign, PO Bologne stood solemn in his mother’s backyard prepared to burn all items bearing the abhorant Nike “Swoosh” symbol, The Hairbag has learned.
However, it then dawned on Bologne, a proud member of his precinct's elite business conditions team, that the United Nations General Assembly was just around the corner. “Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't burn these black ACG's until after the detail is over,” Bologne questioned.
“Not for nothing, but UNGA is a long, long day. Sometimes, I'm there for a few tours in a row,” he explained. “Besides, those ACG's really help my Plantar Faciitis. Seriously. I have a note from the Medical Division. Cops are reasonable, so I'm sure my colleagues will understand,” he said.
And thus presents quite the dilemma for Bologne, since his 800 plus Facebook friends have come to expect him to maintain a certain level of unabashed righteousness, no matter the cost.
Yesterday, Bologne informed his dedicated social media followers of his decision to burn all his Nike gear within a few days.
“These guys and girls hang on my every word. I'm bound to them by duty,” before admitting he really knows only about a handful of his followers, and sees even fewer of them regularly.
“Nike hates us, and I am never wearing any of their products ever again. Tomorrow, all the Nike gear in my closet will go up in flames like KaeperDICK’s career! #boycottnike #fuckthenfl #thinblueline,” Bologne's most recent status read. At the time of this writing, the post had about 4 “likes,” 3 “haha’s,” and 1 “sad” reaction.
However, surveys have repeatedly ranked Nike ACG’s as one of the top shoes for cops on patrol. “Bro, it's like memory foam on your feet,” Bologne said. “I've worn them comfortably over the last five years as I've accomplished the bare minimum amount of police work.”
“If I stand strategically, nobody will know I’m wearing them, right?” Bologne asked our reporters, seemingly seeking validation for his pre-made decision.
“I can just say they're 5.11’s. Even though they pinch my feet, aren't comfortable at all, cost too much, and have the lifespan and quality of Equipement Section uniform pants, at least 5.11 supports us. But...now that I think about it, I just got rid of that blister on my pinky toe. Yeah, I guess I better keep the ACG’s. You know, for health reasons.”
While Bologne's ACG's were lucky enough to receive a stay of execution, his Nike Dri-Fit shorts, he said, “were definitely going up in flames.” As he grabbed the shorts from his seemingly endless pile of Nike apparel, Bologne adjusted his crotch and paused momentarily.
“But its probably going to be really hot out. That means I’ll get jock itch if I don’t wear these. I should probably keep them, too, until I get off patrol and into that IAB spot. But THEN, it's game time. Bye-bye, you swooshie mother fuckers!” Bologne proudly shouted, pointing his index finger upward.
As he threw down the Dri-Fit shorts, our reporters noticed an old Jets jersey that appeared to have been burned at the edges. When questioned on this observation, Bologne replied,
”Yeah, I was going to burn my NFL gear as well. Fuck the NFL. But then I saw they drafted Sam Darnold, and I want to see how he’ll do this season. BUT, after that, in January...no, February…hmm, maybe in March...I’ll burn all my football gear. Yeah, definitely before next season’s opener. I promise.”
Sources told The Hairbag he was later seen on DraftKings, planning his fantasy team for next season.