Confusion erupts as HQ security can’t verify if cop in full uniform driving marked RMP is real cop
DOWNTOWN – The situation was tense at the corner of Park Row and Worth Street this morning, as two uniformed members of the service were briefly detained by elite members of the headquarters security unit, The Hairbag has learned.
Sources said Police Officers Reilly and Jameson pulled up to the White House-style checkpoint for the purpose of fueling up their marked RMP before proceeding to their UNGA post.
However, instead of a forced hello or half-wave that is typically followed by a barrier-opening “thumbs-up,” the officers were met with the pale, shocked face of Police Officer Hackenberg, a permanently assigned member of headquarters security with a known animosity for “fly-ins” and anyone even remotely involved in conducting police work.
Witnesses told The Hairbag that PO Hackenberg was unable to receive verification after scanning PO Reilly’s identification card using his state-of-the-art handheld scanning app, utilizing early 2000’s technology.
“I immediately thought that this was it. This was the attack we’ve been waiting for,” Hackenberg said, describing the moment. “Not today, ISIS. Not today.”
However, counterterrorism experts noted the high improbability that ISIS would enlist two 18th generation Irish-Americans from Rockville Centre, wearing bullet proof vests, full gun belts, shields, and carrying Department identification cards while operating an actual marked Department vehicle.
“They’ve been known to get creative, but this is pushing it,” said the expert.
Complete and utter pandemonium ensued, as the stand-off lasted for at least 20 minutes. Witnesses described guns being drawn and the shouting of demands such as, “Let me see your hands!” and “Drop the coffee!” by a number of headquarters security officers armed with rifles and dual-purpose orange cones.
Another witness told The Hairbag she observed several beads of sweat on the face of the heavily trained cop in the second booth, his finger shivering as it hovered over the “Open Gate” button, waiting for his colleague’s thumbs-up that, in this case, never came.
“It was very tense,” said a civilian member of the headquarters custodial unit. “But it’s nice to see them doing their best to protect us. You don’t usually see how hard they work until moments like this. But now I know it’s not all about condescending remarks and pushing buttons,” said the unnamed civilian.
The melee ended after it was determined that PO Hackenberg never actually charged his Department phone, and was instead trying to scan the identification card using the Instagram app on his personal phone.
After PO’s Reilly and Jameson were finally permitted into the compound, an elderly man pulled up to the gate in a 1995 Subaru and pointed to a random apartment building behind headquarters. He was immediately allowed entry by headquarters security personnel without any hesitation or investigation.