Job mandates ‘tactical mud training’ during qualification cycle

RODMAN'S NECK – Following outcry from all five police unions concerning the safety of uniformed members when faced with violent, ill-intentioned mud, the Department has reacted by requiring a new series of instruction to be administered during the semi-annual firearms qualification cycle, The Hairbag has learned.

“The good citizens of this city deserve a police force that can handle anything that comes at it, whether it be flying bullets, airmail from housing project rooftops, or thick mud,” shouted one union trustee on the steps of City Hall.

Caught on troubling video, a number of officers were observed to be completely unable to render police services, due to large-sized puddles of mud on their foot posts. “No way I’m walking over that until we get trained,” shouted Police Officer Myles, one of SRG’s fiercest officers.

Myles went on to say, “Everyone goes home,” before fist-bumping his partner, a task-force holdover, as they both held hands and successfully jumped over the angry puddle. “Phew, that was a close one,” Myles said as he wiped a bead of sweat forming under his receding hairline.

Professor Eugene Stockwell has been tracking mud-on-cop crimes for over a decade, and he said he isn’t surprised by what he’s seeing. “All over the country, cops are being faced with some pretty close calls involving mud. It doesn’t come as a surprise, given the anti-cop, pro-mud mentality being perpetuated at all levels of government.

What’s happening, and this has been statistically proven, is that mud is becoming more emboldened. It thinks it can just get officers stuck and get away with it,” Stockwell said. “It’s being called ‘The Mud Effect’ and it’s impacting the safety of our communities,” he added.

The Firearms & Tactics Section plans to fit the new training session somewhere in-between the classroom session and gun cleaning, which means they’ll have in the neighborhood of 4 hours to administer it.

At a press conference, a Department spokesman also announced all cycle shooters will be forced to remain locked in Building 10 when not on the line, meaning the local work-release inmates will have more discretion and freedom than certified police officers.

“This is well aligned with the over reactions of other Police Departments throughout the country,” added the spokesman.

Further, funding has been secured to acquire 35,000 miniature 20-pound winches which members will be required to carry on their gun belts. The winches will have approximately 10-yards of cable, which will permit any trained officer to free themselves or their partners from unruly mud.

Sources told The Hairbag that borough inspections units have purchased extra reams of green paper in anticipation of vast non-compliance. “This is gonna be an easy one,” proclaimed Sergeant Chen, feet on the table and hands behind his head, chomping on a cigar as he let out a maniacal laugh.