'I told you so': Precinct goes to shit while CO on vacation
QUEENS – Earlier today, the commanding officer of the 117th Precinct returned from a long-planned vacation to find his command in shambles, The Hairbag has learned.
“I knew I shouldn't have taken this trip,” said Captain Lapovich, shaking his head as he walked behind the desk, walking over debris.
“When I was gifted this command by the Police Commissioner after kissing his pinky ring and pledging my first born, I knew leaving for an extended period would result in all sorts of mayhem.”
Indeed, the captain's fears materialized the second he left for his tropical North Atlantic cruise, where he relished in non-alcoholic beer and a good Compstat book.
“Sometimes, a guy needs a little getaway,” he told us. “But now, I know to trust my gut. How was I so naïve to think the precinct could survive without me around? My fellow CO's told me I was making a mistake by having a personal life. I should've listened. Lesson learned, I guess.”
We spoke with Sergeant Choo, who was manning the desk the day the captain left for his ill-fated voyage. “It was the strangest thing. I was answering the phone and making the usual pointless, archaic command log entries.
Then, the CO walked out for his vacation. That's when it happened. All of a sudden, I forgot how to do simple tasks. I couldn't answer the phone and my pen was falling out of my hand. It was like something came over me.”
The plant manager, Detective-Specialist Nicolas Russell, informed us that once Captain Lapovich left, several pieces of the ceiling suddenly fell, littering the muster room with old sheetrock and exposed asbestos.
“I'll tell you. I got 25 years on the job and in the 24 since I've been plant manager, I've never seen anything like this. It makes no sense. Building Maintenance was just here a few days before, Krazy-Gluing the falling sheetrock back to its original position. It was secure. I checked it myself.”
While a rare occurrence, a thorough check of Department archives revealed this isn't the first time such a thing has happened. Similar instances of commands inexplicably going to shit after their commanding officers left for vacation were found, dating back to 1912.
Outside, it appeared the entire fleet of RMP's had suddenly developed more flat tires than usual, while patrol officers were looking over their coffee-stained memo book inserts trying to remember final codes.
“What was the one where we don't want to do any paperwork?” said one cop to another. “I used to know these like the back of my hand. I don't know what happened,” he said. “You know, cops talk a big game and complain about leadership, but this just reinforced it for me. We can’t function without him. I hope he never leaves us again.”
After the news broke, headquarters reacted swiftly. Releasing a statement, the Police Commissioner said, “Never again will commands have to worry about something like this reoccurring. We've tailored our Executive Leadership Course to reflect lasting and meaningful change. We'll be instructing our new captains to take even less vacation, and micromanage just a little bit more.”
When asked by The Hairbag how this new lesson can possibly be squeezed into the already daunting and challenging course of instruction, the commissioner explained.
“We've carved out a little bit of time between two current lessons, 'Hats: why they're so important' and 'Details: how screaming into the radio builds confidence and exudes authority.' With these changes, New York will continue to be the safest big city in America.”
As we made our way back to his office, Captain Lapovich breathed a sigh of relief. It appeared he was able to find one shining light among the disarray. “At least one thing hasn't changed,” he said, pointing to the squat rack in the gym. “That's my crime team.”