The Hairbag Times

Miranda Lambert embraces 'police wife' lifestyle, buys home in Massapequa

MIDTOWN – On the heels of a revelation that country music star Miranda Lambert has married a member of the service assigned to the elite Midtown South Precinct, the star is fully embracing her new role as a police wife and took initial steps to relocate to Massapequa, sources told The Hairbag earlier today.

Department to replace trial room hearings with 'Smoker' matches

HEADQUARTERS – In a stunning change to decades of standard protocol, the Police Commissioner has announced he will be doing away with the trial room, instead proclaiming that members of the service with Charges & Specifications to adjudicate will instead have their fates decided by ‘Smoker’ matches with the judges, The Hairbag has learned.

Aviation cop complains about pizza box left in helicopter from previous tour

FLOYD BENNETT FIELD – Tensions came to a head this week, as a distinguished member of the Aviation Unit went unhinged after finding garbage from the previous tour inside his assigned helicopter, The Hairbag has learned.

Newly acquired CRC tank gets flat tire responding to call for emergency photo-op

RANDALLS ISLAND – Earlier today, a 10-85 called by members of the Critical Response Command (CRC) resulted in tragedy when the elite counterterrorism unit’s new piece of equipment–a repurposed U.S. Department of Defense tank–suffered a flat tire en route to Times Square for an emergency photo-op with tourists, sources told The Hairbag.

Department announces random testicle inspections to enforce grooming standards

BROOKLYN – Things got testy earlier this morning, as a severe case of NYPD Blue Balls took the Department by storm, The Teabag has learned.

​NCO sees increased muscle mass after using majority of tour to bench press

MANHATTAN – Several months into his new position as a Neighborhood Coordination Officer (NCO) in the 35th Precinct, Police Officer Kallstrom has seen his biceps increase approximately two inches, sources say.

Victoria’s Secret announces it will open a store inside the 72 Precinct

BROOKLYN – Early today, Victoria’s Secret, the famed purveyor of female undergarments, has announced they will be opening a retail store inside the 72 Precinct station house, The Hairbag has learned.

Department rethinks using lowest bidder after body cameras explode

STATEN ISLAND – After a recent incident in which a supposedly brand new body camera exploded in the hands of a uniformed member of the service, the Department has announced it will revisit its long-standing policy of purchasing services and equipment from the absolute lowest bidder, The Hairbag has learned.

CRC cop touts DNA test confirming he’s 1% real cop

RANDALLS ISLAND – This morning, a uniformed member of the service assigned to the Critical Response Command (CRC) used a recent DNA test to justify his belonging to a near-extinct group: real cops, sources told The Hairbag.

Borough inspections sergeant finally finds something better to do

CHELSEA – For the first time in Department history, a borough inspections sergeant has finally found something better to do, sources told The Hairbag.