CRC cop touts DNA test confirming he’s 1% real cop
RANDALLS ISLAND – This morning, a uniformed member of the service assigned to the Critical Response Command (CRC) used a recent DNA test to justify his belonging to a near-extinct group: real cops, sources told The Hairbag.
With papers in hand, PO Alistair, a legacy member of the command, ran into the heavily fortified CRC base with what he described as “undeniable proof” that he is in fact, as he has always proclaimed, part-real cop. “Guys, look! See, I told you!” Alistair shouted in the muster room to no fanfare or recognition whatsoever.
As soon as the news broke, The Hairbag dispatched a team of reporters to confirm this momentous event, as no member of CRC has ever been able to confirm they are, either in-whole or in-part, real cops.
“I’m just ecstatic,” said Alistair. “For years I’ve said I was part-real cop on my dad’s side. No one believed me. When I applied to the Detective Bureau and to the Grand Larceny Division, they laughed me out of the interview when they saw my arrest record. But who has the last laugh now?” he proclaimed, beaming with joy.
It was learned that the test was conducted by a renowned researcher at DeVry University, who has been tracking real-cop migration patterns since the mid-1990’s.
“I conducted the test using standard, scientifically accepted practices,” said Professor Buffamonte, who earned his PhD from a bodega on the corner of West 181 Street and St. Nicholas Avenue.
“It’s indisputable that PO Alistair’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather was Teddy Roosevelt’s great-uncle. This equates to around 1% with a margin of error of .99%,” said Buffamonte, who performed the test in return for a PBA card and a faded CRC patch with a punisher logo.
The foremost authority on real cops, the Department Honor Legion, released a statement following the news.
“Real cops are dwindling more and more with each passing year. While real cops have a proud history written in blood, we do not determine real cop status by lineage, but instead by doing actual police work, such as arrests and investigations. Unfortunately, standing for hours and posing for pictures while holding assault rifles doesn’t fit the bill,” the statement read.
Meanwhile, Alistair was not about to let the negative response rain on his parade. “I feel like my excess of blue line patches and buff shirts actually have purpose now,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
“I can’t wait to tell all the guys over at my motorcycle club house. I’m going to ask for permission to add a pair of handcuffs to my official club uniform so when I’m riding on the highway, people won’t think I’m just some douche covered in leather and borderline inappropriate insignia. Instead, they’ll know I’m both a douche and a real cop,” he concluded.
Shockingly, in spite of his newfound status, PO Alistair was last seen calling a sector over to take a collar for a domestic he personally observed on his post.
When reached for additional comment, The Hairbag was advised he went sick shortly before a detail.