Newly acquired CRC tank gets flat tire responding to call for emergency photo-op
RANDALLS ISLAND – Earlier today, a 10-85 called by members of the Critical Response Command (CRC) resulted in tragedy when the elite counterterrorism unit’s new piece of equipment–a repurposed U.S. Department of Defense tank–suffered a flat tire en route to Times Square for an emergency photo-op with tourists, sources told The Hairbag.
According to official Department sources, the Mine Resistant Ambush Protectant (MRAP) vehicle–originally intended to protect soldiers from improvised explosive devices and ambushes from rocket propelled grenades in war torn countries–was purchased by CRC at a discounted price of $500k.
Earlier this month, the vehicle mysteriously appeared in the heavily guarded CRC parking lot on Randall’s Island to begin its secondary assignment of serving as a backdrop for the Instagram profiles of dozens of members of the service assigned to the command.
“It was like an alarm went off,” said a long-time source within CRC. “Once the guys heard there was a real life military vehicle in the lot, they all started suiting up and putting on their helmets so they could take photos in front of it.”
Within hours, social media was flooded with carefully staged photos featuring the MRAP, providing the illusion of badassery to tens of followers.
He went on to say, “There was a solid 10-minutes spent deciding what hashtags they would use in the post.
However, the overcompensation session ended abruptly when the call came in around noon, as a CRC post in midtown requested a ‘10-85 Photo-Op’ forthwith. PO Papageorgio was manning the phone.
”I could tell it was serious. Not your run-of-the-mill picture with tourists from Minnesota. From the sound of their voices, I could only assume it involved several young blondes from Sweden,” he said.
“So I knew right away our guys needed the MRAP. I mean, you train for things like this. But when it actually happens? Goosebumps,” said Papageorgio, who sounded the siren to alert the standby team to prepare for departure.
As the alarm sounded, Police Officers Krupnik & Mulcahy sprang into action, dropping their half-eaten pizza to the floor before jumping in the MRAP. “I was in such a hurry to go assist our brothers, I nearly forgot my surgical trauma kit and kevlar Long Johns,” said Krupnik.
However, just as the duo crossed the Triborough Bridge, the cream of the crop of the U.S. military’s sloppy seconds emitted a loud bang.
“I immediately thought to myself…this has to be an IED,” said Mulcahy. “I mean, I have no idea what an IED blast actually feels like, but you know, what else could it possibly be? Luckily, my training kicked in immediately, so I got out and just stood there for a few hours,” he said.
While the bang turned out to be none other than a mere flat tire, the real tragedy was that the two cops who called the 10-85P were not going to get their ideal shot.
Indeed, PO John Crescent waited for hours sweating through his lowest bidder ballistic vest and helmet.
“The light was hitting my mustache just right. I was rocking my brand new Oakley’s, pointing the rifle tactically to the ground with my finger off the trigger, and, of course, squinting nonchalantly into the distance, just like they taught us at the range,” recalled Crescent.
”That was when this group of tourists approached us and said they wanted pictures with real New York City cops, so we radioed for a sector car but they weren’t available. So that’s when I called the 85P,” he added.
“I knew I needed reinforcements. I tried to stall by telling them we were basically sort of kind of like the SWAT team, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” Crescent sadly explained. “Verbal judo only goes so far.”
While the expensive purchase has come under fire, the Chief of Counterterrorism defended use of the MRAP.
“When these men and women answered the call of duty, we made a promise. No matter the time, no matter the place, if they’re in need of a solid profile photo for Tinder or Facebook, we’d be there,” said the chief, flaunting his troops’ use of over 40 different photo filters, double the nationwide average. “Me? I’m partial to Juno. It really brings out the lighting,” added the chief.
Meanwhile, the mishap has not deterred CRC from acquiring additional equipment that would never be used for its intended purpose.
The unit is currently in contract to purchase a decommissioned Amphibian Assault Vehicle (AAV) from the Marine Corps. It is expected to cut in half the time it takes to do a Shake Shack run from Randalls Island.