Victoria’s Secret announces it will open a store inside the 72 Precinct
BROOKLYN – Early today, Victoria’s Secret, the famed purveyor of female undergarments, has announced they will be opening a retail store inside the 72 Precinct station house, The Hairbag has learned.
“We had no idea there was such a demand for panties in Police Department facilities,” said Dale Miner, VP of Retail Development for the company. “Thankfully, the Police Commissioner agreed to allow us to fill this demand,” Miner continued.
The announcement at the day tour roll call was met with raucous applause. Several officers who had put in their retirement or resignation papers stated they would be pulling them, instead deciding to remain.
“This is the type of morale booster the job desperately needs,” said PO Mariano, a 25-year vet of the TS. “This reminds me of back when I came on. You know, back when the job was alive,” he said.
The new store will be located on the second floor, right next to the Precinct Detective Squad. The placement decision follows a recent scandal, now known as “Pantygate,” where several members were found to have been engaged in panty-play, causing a large number of male detectives from all over the city seeking a transfer to the 72.
“If we strategically place the store near the squad room, investigators will be able to bang out a DD5, go next door to buy a pair, get in a quick sniff, then go right back to solving cases. It’s a win-win,” said the Chief of Detectives.
The outpost will carry multiple types of panties and unmentionables. “We’ll carry all sorts of sizes and blends, so there’ll be something for all cops to enjoy. And for the particularly fragile ego of Precinct Detectives, we’ll even carry a special scratch-and-sniff type made entirely of silk,” said VP Miner.
One of the detectives we spoke with was elated. “Finally, my prayers have been answered. I’ve been telling the job for years that we needed something like this. You know what? I’m so pumped, I think I’ll even do my own transports now!” said Detective Harlan, who also claims he’s been on the promotion grid for over a decade.
While the Department declined comment, a spokesman did inform us that at least 5 members of the 72 PDU have filed off-duty employment applications requesting permission to work at the new store.