Department rethinks using lowest bidder after body cameras explode

STATEN ISLAND – After a recent incident in which a supposedly brand new body camera exploded in the hands of a uniformed member of the service, the Department has announced it will revisit its long-standing policy of purchasing services and equipment from the absolute lowest bidder, The Hairbag has learned.

The shocking news came on the heels of the infamous explosion, which left Department brass scrambling to come up with a solution to the growing threat posed by garbage it has spent money on in the past.

Sources present at the emergency weekend meeting – called to order by the Police Commissioner – told us the room of high-ranking uniformed and civilian members were left scratching their heads as they sought to brainstorm their way out of the dilemma.

“The commissioner passed around his official ‘talking baton’ and instructed that only those in possession of it were allowed to speak,” said the source. “Everyone got a turn, but it was clear the PC was getting frustrated with the usual responses.”

When asked about the nature of those responses, we were told one chief suggested issuing the officer a command discipline. “That usually solves any problem at the source. Take some of his vacation days, and I promise you he’ll never let another camera explode in his face ever again. Why ruin a tried and true tactic?” said the unnamed chief.

Another high-ranking official suggested some intensive roll-call training. “Look, we’re the best trained Police Department in the world. Why don’t we just do what we normally do? Play a brief video without the audio on a 32” inch television in the muster room while the sergeant reads out assignments? There’s no better way to hammer home the essentials that will keep cops safe.”

However, we’re told the PC finally reached his breaking point when he commanded one of multiple first-grade detectives to seize the talking baton from an obscure Deputy Commissioner.

“Listen, folks. I want some new ideas. We can’t just send out a masterfully crafted e-mail after every incident,” the PC announced, banging his fist on the table, sending a spine-tingling message to his command staff.

It was precisely that moment that an idea so logical and rooted in common sense was spoken. One that defies the very foundation this Department was founded upon. “How about we stop buying the shittiest stuff?” said one chief, whose facial expression exhibited a deep, instant regret for his words.

“The entire table was in shock. No one wanted to make eye-contact with anyone out of a combination of fear and embarrassment,” our source recalled. “I said to myself, this is it. By tomorrow, this guy will be replaced. There’s no way you can say something like that in a place like this and live to see another day. It’s career suicide.”

He continued, “But then the weirdest thing happened. The PC ­tilted his head to the side, furred his brow, and nodded in agreement. No one could believe it.”

The Police Commissioner then announced he would be re-evaluating every piece of equipment the Department had purchased.

By day’s end, the Equipment Section received uniforms that don’t fade, precincts received toilet paper that was significantly better than the traditional ¾ ply, and the famous dual-purpose riot/scooter helmet was replaced by something more suitable.

“If anything should be single-purpose, it’s the riot helmet. I can’t believe no one, ever, in the history of the Department has ever had this idea,” said the Quartermaster Section.