Department announces random testicle inspections to enforce grooming standards

BROOKLYN – Things got testy earlier this morning, as a severe case of NYPD Blue Balls took the Department by storm, The Teabag has learned.

At headquarters, the Police Commissioner angrily announced he would be assigning a team of supervisors to conduct random inspections of uniformed members’ testicles to ensure conformance with little known body hair policies.

The news follows an embarrassing revelation in which members assigned to the Legal Bureau reviewing body camera footage were forced to see the unkept, poorly groomed potato sack of a Brooklyn detective.

Sources told us the Police Commissioner was visibly upset at the fact the member of the service hadn’t manscaped in what looked like months.

“I mean, the PC is all for a good cocking every now and then, but at least have the decency to trim a bit. If we were talking about a landing strip instead of something out of National Geographic, this would’ve been a whole different ball game,” the source said on the condition of anonymity, adding that anyone who has seen the video will be offered counseling at no cost.

For years, the Department has strictly enforced facial hair policies, while overlooking the little-known rule on scrotum grooming, which dates back to the early 1920’s.

In fact, numerous posters on “Thee Rant” attested to that fact. “This isn’t your grandfathers Police Department anymore. Back when I came on, we were in for a beating if we showed up at roll call without a clean pair. Job ain’t what it used to be,” read one post by a user under the handle “JobSucksButItsAllITalk_About.”

Back at headquarters, the Chief of Patrol stated, “When I said I expected NCO’s to make themselves available to the community, this isn’t what I had in mind.”

The chief also plans to record a new informational video that all members of the service must watch. Therefore, it won’t be posted on the intranet homepage.

The newly formed inspections unit will be going balls to the wall, conducting field observations of all personnel to ensure compliance. We spoke with the units commanding officer, Captain Cojones.

“The task force will consist of sergeants and lieutenants who had originally chosen to remain in the Internal Affairs Bureau even after their 2 year commitment expired, as those are often the most skilled, motivated, and experienced supervisors the Department has to offer,” said the captain, who claims to have the smoothest sack in the borough.

He went on to say, “My team will ask for a quick scratch and respectfully ask you to expose a nut, either left or right. Your discretion. We aren’t looking to nitpick, and we won’t be documenting who the growers and showers are,” added Cojones.

Meanwhile, waiting lines at Medical Districts all over the city were reportedly over two hours long, as hundreds of cops anxiously awaited meetings with their surgeons to request exemption notes from what will likely be overzealous enforcement of the rules.

Displeased with the changes, Police Officer Jonah Petersen was first in line.

“I shouldn’t have to risk razor burn for this job. I should be allowed to decide what level of overgrowth I’m comfortable with. What’s next? Before you know it, they’ll be asking us to hem our pants and buy uniforms that fit,” an upset Petersen shouted, clutching his dermatologist note which emphasized that his folliculitis prevented him from any form of testicular grooming.

“Besides, I work in a busy house. It’s easy for those house mouses to walk around looking all smooth and prickle-free. I’d like to see them try looking that way while pushing a sector. And to make matters worse, the razors they have at the Equipment Section are horrible,” added Petersen.

Other members welcomed the new crackdown, including Police Officer Michael Cespedes, a long-serving United States Marine.

“It’s about time. In the military, we were expected to look a certain way. These cops walk around, looking all sloppy. I never knew a nut sack could have sideburns until I came on this job,” he said.

“But me? I’ve always been a stickler for the rules,” he concluded, as he put one leg up on the locker room bench and turned on his electric Mach 5 razor for a pre-tour shape up.