Aviation cop complains about pizza box left in helicopter from previous tour
FLOYD BENNETT FIELD – Tensions came to a head this week, as a distinguished member of the Aviation Unit went unhinged after finding garbage from the previous tour inside his assigned helicopter, The Hairbag has learned.
Shortly after roll call, pilot-turned-police officer Timothy Halpern stormed into the Aviation Base holding what appeared to be an empty pizza box containing the oily remnants of a Spumoni Gardens pie.
“I’m fed up with this. I was making my usual memo book entries recording mileage and writing ‘see recorder’ and I just lost it. Every day I have to spend half an hour cleaning out the midnight guys’ garbage.”
His partner echoed the sentiment. “I usually find a Poland Spring bottle filled with used dipping tobacco lodged in between the half-chewed off yoke,” said Detective Ryan Wilson.
“These guys complain the job doesn’t give us new helicopters yet break the seats so it leans back permanently and never fill up for the next tour,” added Wilson.
Sources tell us what Halpern observed was just the tip of the iceberg. “They have a point. Every morning I go in and see ‘Sgt. Jones sucks c**k’ misspelled and etched into the altimeter with a 5.11 knife,” said the source. “Not to mention the vents are filled with crumbs and marijuana flakes.”
“I see it every day,” proclaimed another officer, expressing his frustration with several of his colleagues who routinely speed up on purpose when going through turbulence.
“They wouldn’t treat their personal helicopters like this,” he said, cleaning ketchup off of the rotor blades and melted cheese out of the cupholders.
Later on, we caught up with one of the offending pilots mid-flight. “Look, I spend my tour bouncing from rooftop search to rooftop search, directed to directed, and what do I get for it?” said PO Dourly, spitting out sunflower seeds into the backseat.
“Maybe instead of giving all the chiefs at 1PP the nice helicopters, they give them to us instead,” he said just prior to using a permanent marker to write down his job number on the sun visor.
“All these other agencies have it so much better. New equipment every year, take-home helicopters...the list goes on,” as he keyed the side of the bird in retaliation for a denied 28. “This job owes me. So this’ll really show them,” he shrugged while looking over his six-figure W2.
As we departed Floyd Bennett Field, PO Dourly was seen flying off into the sunset with the exhaust duct-taped to the helicopter. He was later observed wrapping the harness behind the seat to avoid the beeping.