NCO sees increased muscle mass after using majority of tour to bench press

MANHATTAN – Several months into his new position as a Neighborhood Coordination Officer (NCO) in the 35th Precinct, Police Officer Kallstrom has seen his biceps increase approximately two inches, sources say.

We caught up with PO Kallstrom in the midst of a mirror-flexing session in the precinct gym. “Listen, broseph. It’s not my fault that a byproduct of neighborhood policing is me getting swole,” he said, grabbing a gallon water jug loaded with protein powder.

Deputy Inspector Goldman, the commanding officer, beamed with pride at how well his NCO’s were doing. “When I selected these guys, I knew I was picking from the best of the best,” said Goldman. “I mean, at least that’s what their hooks told me, and I had no reason to doubt them when they made – I mean when I – made the selection,” he added.

While Kallstrom and his NCO colleagues were overjoyed at their larger-than-life gains, one anonymous member of the command was less than thrilled. “It’s like anti-crime and conditions had a baby and someone gave it a breast bar,” shouted the angry officer.

However, PO Aston, a 15-year vet of patrol, was okay with the gym time if it meant a better relationship with the public. “If saving this community means me having to handle every job, barely squeezing in a meal just so NCO’s can fill out an extra-medium size shirt, I’m all for it!” he proclaimed.

At a nearby “Build the Block” meeting which PO Kallstrom attended in-between sets, the Police Commissioner stated, “This is what the Neighborhood Policing philosophy is all about. Being visible to the public, knowing the community, and getting ripped.” He went on to say, “Besides, you can’t be visible to the public with weak lats and spaghetti arms.”

Intrigued by this development, The Hairbag conducted a citywide survey of all NCO commands to determine if similar gains were obtained across the board.

Indeed, the results were shocking. We observed that NCO’s were approximately 10% more jacked than their fellow members of the service. In fact, even local gyms were found to be monopolizing on this new fitness trend. “Forget CrossFit. Forget TRX. The NCO is where it’s at,” said Jason Gringas, a personal trainer.

“I guarantee my clients they will see the same results as NCO’s, as long as they follow the program,” he added. When asked what exactly the regimen consists of, he told The Hairbag it all boiled down to a simple process.

“First, you spend exactly 8 hours and 35 minutes in the gym. No more, no less. Second, you rely on your ‘response spotters’ to do everything you should be doing but won’t. And finally, everyone you meet must be lectured at length about what you do on paper,” said Gringas.

He further added that he wasn’t taking new clients unless someone important enough made a phone call to get them in, even though there was a long list of motivated, hard working individuals eager to get started. “Sure, they each deserve to get in, but we’re trying to mimic real world conditions here,” concluded Gringas.

Meanwhile, The Hairbag reached out to PO Kallstrom for additional comment. However, his command informed us he was busy at his end-of-probation medical and would be returning shortly for a superset of squats.