Borough inspections sergeant finally finds something better to do

CHELSEA – For the first time in Department history, a borough inspections sergeant has finally found something better to do, sources told The Hairbag.

Sources said the historical moment occurred earlier this week, at a coveted Manhattan South detail.

Sergeant Special Assignment Erickson Huang, a 10-year member of the elite borough inspections team, had spent the last decade carrying on highly specialized tasks, including spotting 5 o’clock shadow from one mile away, solving high-profile cases such as delayed memo book entries, and asking pointed, interrogative questions during GO-15 hearings such as, “Why did you improperly classify the voucher?”

Sergeant Huang’s commanding officer labeled the work of his team, “The epitome of professional investigations. Look, we’re a necessary evil. Someone has to serve on the front lines.”

However, when asked how that could be the case, since real misconduct and corruption cases are handled by the Internal Affairs Bureau, he angrily refused to answer, instead shifting his attention to a group of cops with improperly shined shoes.

At the detail, one member of the service described what he witnessed.

“I saw the whole thing. I was manning my post, half-way into a one-legged barrier lean, when I saw this sergeant running right toward me like a horse entering battle. But then the strangest thing happened. He just stopped mid-gallop. I looked right into his eyes, and I could tell he was in the midst of a eureka moment,” said PO Galvis, shave note in hand.

While The Hairbag independently verified this version of events, it was what happened next that sent shockwaves citywide, from the depths of The Bronx to the top-floor of headquarters.

As Sergeant Huang made his way towards PO Galvis’ to remedy the serious violation he had witnessed, he instead turned to a group of cops moving barriers on the corner.

“I was sure he was coming for me, since I had 3 stray hairs on my cheek and forgot what the color of the day was. You know, some real serious stuff. I’ve always been a renegade,” said PO Figueroa.

“But then, he just started helping us move barriers. Like, actually doing something to help other cops. I have 25 years on the job and I’ve never seen these people do anything even remotely associated with goodwill, decency, kindness, respect, or police work. We couldn’t believe it,” concluded Figueroa.

We later encountered Sergeant Huang at his command, where he was in the midst of being thrown out of the locker room by other sergeants.

“I suggested I wanted to wear a uniform again, so I brought mine into the locker room. I forgot they had a uniform detector at the door and the alarm went off, so they searched my bag and found my gun belt. They immediately said my access to the command had been revoked,” said Huang.

In the lobby, our reporters overhead one of the sergeants saying he would be filing for retirement, proclaiming, “Uniforms?! Inspections is dead, kid.”

We then asked Huang about the life changing events that had just transpired.

“I don’t know, I guess I just finally realized there were better ways for me to spend my time,” he said, throwing away his reporters notebook, filled with the tax numbers of cops whom he had scratched over the years.

“I don’t ever again want to ask a cop their command or tax number, and I never want to hover over a roll call watching people sign out,” proclaimed Huang.

At the other end of the borough, it became clear many of his colleagues had not experienced such enlightenment.

Further uptown, a gaggle of sergeants were spotted requesting tac-hoods from a group of officers, ignoring the 10-85 that had just been broadcast in favor of inspecting week-old memobook entries.