Department to replace trial room hearings with 'Smoker' matches
HEADQUARTERS – In a stunning change to decades of standard protocol, the Police Commissioner has announced he will be doing away with the trial room, instead proclaiming that members of the service with Charges & Specifications to adjudicate will instead have their fates decided by ‘Smoker’ matches with the judges, The Hairbag has learned.
“There’s no better way to ensure due process is respected and that accused cops will get a fair shake than by a nice, clean round of 12,” concluded a high-ranking delegate.
Meanwhile, the decision is being well-received across the city. As the news broke, Police Officer Daniel Klein was ecstatic. “This is amazing. I was ready to lose all my vacation days, but now I literally have a fighting chance,” said the officer. “I’m having the the command expert in fitness train me for the big day. He’s an NCO, so he knows a lot about spending time in the gym,” said Klein.
In anticipation of the change, the Department said the current trial rooms at headquarters have been completely renovated.
“What we did is remove the benches and the courtroom look, replacing it with a state-of-the-art boxing ring paid for with funds originally meant for precinct repairs,” said a spokesman, beaming with pride.
“We also sent our judges for intensive boxing training in order to prepare them,” he said, adding that larger, high profile cases will be held at Madison Square Garden or the Barclay’s Center.
Additionally, delegates and union attorneys will be replaced in favor of skilled cornermen.
During our visit at headquarters, we observed a number of officers exiting the ring. One of them, black-and-blue eyed PO Pagan, a housing cop, was less than thrilled.
“Man, I almost had him. I made it to the 10th round but he KO’d me. The referee then immediately handed me my ‘30 and 1 year’ paperwork,” said Pagan with a clear look of disappointment, but admitting he found the process fair.
Another member of the service was on trial for a variety of improper memo book entries, but narrowly avoided termination after the judge attempted to hit below the belt, at which time the referee intervened and declared him not guilty on all charges.
Outside of the Trial Ring, the designated ‘Smoker Lieutenant’ was seen hyping up personnel preparing for their bouts and selling tickets to the events, as the officers-turned-fighters stared awkwardly into the camera.
”Alright folks, here we are for another brawl,” said Lt. Veis to the camera. “I have with me PO Harland who is accused of stealing time. Roll call says he signed out at 1700, but the EZ-Pass statement tells a different story,” added the lieutenant, whose official assignment has remained a mystery for much of the last decade.
Later that day, a Department Bulletin was released seeking “ring girls.” In a matter of hours, the detective-track position elicited approximately 100 applications.