PBA President assures new recruits ‘taking the hit’ is best possible outcome
POLICE ACADEMY – The same day that newly minted Probationary Police Officers received their shiny shields and lowest-bidder firearms, the president of the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association (PBA) welcomed them into the nations largest police union by informing them on how to properly receive a command discipline, The Hairbag witnessed.
As the proud rookies leaned in, the union leader began to explain how their delegates would be representing them in the event they found themselves in hot water, often through no fault of their own.
“Basically, it’ll go down like this,” the president said. “You’ll start your tour smiling and happy, then the ICO will grab you after roll call or 10-2 to you in the middle of a heavy job,” he continued.
“Then, he’s going to put his arm around you. He’ll say something along the lines that he had no choice, or that it came from above his head. After that, you’ll be in his office and he’ll hand you a green paper with a penalty recommendation of anything between 1 hour and 10 days, who knows.”
Sources who were present told us the recruits were captivated, thrilled to learn how the famed union would flex its muscle in their defense. However, they were less than pleased with the words of their union boss.
He went on to say, “Your delegate will then begin arguing with the ICO. The ICO will counter with obscure patrol guide language. Your delegate will then shake his head, raise his voice, and proclaim that this entire hearing is ludicrous and shouldn’t even be taking place.
The ICO will then state how the job has forced his hand, and that he only needed one more before the quarter ends. Then, your delegate will ask for a lower penalty. He’ll probably ask for half of the recommendation, but the ICO will then say his hands are tied.”
The recruits furred their brows, confused at what they were hearing. The president was not finished. “At that point, the delegate will continue to protest. He’ll start off sentences with things like ‘You and I both know’ and ‘Meet me halfway.’
However, that will all be in vain. Right then and there, he’ll turn to you, let out a sigh, and inform you to just take the hit,” the PBA President instructed the group of eager rookies.
The confused group of officers awkwardly looked at each other and began to chuckle, assuming their fearless leader was joking.
“No, seriously. Just take the hit, you’ll earn it back,” the President continued, before handing out the bi-weekly payroll deduction authorization paperwork.
While still in shock and confusion, the group was asked if they had any questions. One of the recruits asked the Supreme Leader about how representation would work for external hearings, such as CCRB interrogations.
“Great question,” His Excellency replied. “I’m not going to lie. At a CCRB hearing, your delegate and/or union appointed attorney will probably just be doodling during the interview. They will, however, instruct you to just answer the question. That sort of representation is second to none.”
He then asked the group if they had met their delegates yet. The group shrugged their shoulders indicating they had not, even though they spent nearly one entire month at their commands for field training.
“Not to worry. They’re easy to spot,” El Patron responded. “When you get to your command, knock on the door of the office that is most inaccessible. You may have to move several boxes away from the door. Odds are, that’s where you’ll find them. If that doesn’t work, try the community affairs office.”
He concluded by discussing the finer points of unionism, such as striking, which, of course, the PBA is not allowed to partake in. “We will, however, release multiple press releases in your defense.”
After the cameras left the room, there was no longer a need for the president to remain. Our reporters caught up with one of the recruits, PPO Snarsky, who found a silver lining in what he had heard.
“Sure, I basically have no real representation, but it looks I’ll have access to unlimited PBA cards. I’ll give one to my entire extended family, including my barber, my mechanic, my plumber, and my bartender.”
When we asked how those individuals qualify as family, he replied, “I’ll probably just write ‘cousin’ on the back. I heard it fools everyone.”
In a strange twist, Snarksy’s mechanic was arrested for selling drugs and using his PBA card in an effort to get out of trouble. Snarksy was issued a command discipline. We were later told he decided to take the hit.