Department’s Inspector General running out of useless things to write reports on
DOWNTOWN – The mood at the offices of the Department’s Inspector General was glum this morning, as the dedicated and overqualified staff had finally run out of mundane and trivial policies to audit, our sources say.
“We’re literally fresh out of ideas,” an upset staffer told The Hairbag. “I really thought we had something when we audited why police lights have to be red. I mean, that’s such a harsh color,” added the 25-year old staffer with a vast knowledge of New York City policing, gained from her two-hour ride along in Brooklyn. “I came here to make a name for myself and jump start my career, but now I’m not so sure.”
Frustrated after months of being viewed as the black sheep of the oversight community, another staffer, originally from Minnesota, spoke candidly about the unfair treatment the office was getting.
“It’s really a bunch of crap. We’re no different than any other IG, minus the respect, authority to investigate crimes, obtain warrants, or implement any sort of meaningful policy change,” he quipped.
He continued saying he was the self-proclaimed “office expert” in comparing policies of the massive NYPD to those of small police departments throughout the country.
“I really don’t understand why the Department can’t just patrol the city with 4 RMPs. I mean, the Kaycee, Wyoming Police Department does it,” the anonymous staffer continued. “It’s really a classic example of fraud, waste, and abuse.”
The Inspector General himself indicated that his office filled in many oversight gaps that existed in holding the police department accountable.
“Obviously, without us there would be no way the Department could remain honest. Between the Mayor’s Commission to Combat Corruption, the Civilian Complaint Review Board, the Internal Affairs Bureau, five District Attorney‘s, two federal jurisdictions, the Federal Monitor, and Joey Gunz who films traffic stops with his Motorola Razr, it’s clear we needed to step in and do God’s work,” he said.
However, he did admit that the office was under immense pressure from the federal monitor to find something wrong with the Department, no matter how minute and nonsensical.
Sources tell us the Mayor is furious over the revelation. He has pledged to sign an executive order establishing an Inspector General for the Inspector General. The new office, with a staff of 50, will cost several million dollars per year to operate. Mayoral staffers tell us the position will be filled by a top campaign donor from out of town with no oversight experience.
In a stunning twist, the newly appointed Inspector General for the Inspector General had a few choice words on his first day, claiming the IG is not being transparent in their quest for transparency.
“How can they claim they are seeking transparency from the Police Department, when they themselves are conducting audits in a room with no glass doors? There’s nothing transparent about that.”
The Department IG rebuked in anger. “This isn’t right. These guys don’t know the first thing about oversight, and here they are telling us how to do our job. What sense does that make? We worked just fine until they came along. It seems like overkill to me,” he said shaking his head, while perusing the Patrol Guide for something else to write a 100 page report on.
In addition, the City Council is proposing a bill named, “Oversight of Police Oversight Committees who Oversee Police,” which will appoint a new oversight group that provides oversight of police oversight agencies in hopes there will be more transparency in their transparent quest to promote transparency to the Department.
When asked for comment, a Department spokesman only replied saying, “crime is down.”