Police Academy Instructors Confused by Modern Day Policing
COLLEGE POINT, QUEENS – Following a focus group spearheaded by 1PP, a slew of instructors from both the academic and tactics departments of the Police Academy are said to be in a state of total and utter confusion about what’s going on in the streets, sources say.
The sea of furred brows and questionable looks came as a surprise to those conducting the focus group, believing the instructors were, “The best of the best of the Department.” But not so, according to Sgt. Ryan Mulligan, who declined to tell us what unit he actually worked for, but assured us it was very important and that he reported to a chief. “No, seriously. We only take 2 hour meals instead of the 1PP standard of 3 hours”, he told The Hairbag.
“We came here to get their input about some new policies we wanted to roll out. We figured these guys are the cream of the crop. Who would know better about the real world out there than the ones teaching it at the academy? But man, we really screwed the pooch on this one.”
The first sign of trouble came after a brief discussion on uniforms. PO Paulino–who has been teaching police science for all but nine months of his illustrious 25-year career–thought he was being pranked when he was told that UMOS no longer wear powder blue shirts.
“You guys are fuckin’ with me, right?” screamed Paulino, before being reassured that he would still be allowed to emasculate young recruits to compensate for his lack of real experience, to which be breathed a sigh of relief.
Things only went downhill from there. On a discussion about officer safety, PO Guilfoyle, a gym instructor who hasn't made an arrest since the Giuliani administration, was under the impression that “wood shampoo” was still an accepted practice. Guilfoyle went on, “You mean to tell me we’re supposed to leave these perps’ heads intact?!”.
Shortly thereafter, he begrudgingly marched out of the conference room. Sources say he was last seen making a protein shake and heading into the gym for his 7h 23m of on-duty workout time. “Think I'll still be able to tell war stories?”, he was heard saying to his colleagues in-between sets. “Leg day, bruh.”
Sgt. Mulligan told us he was reluctant to let his superiors know about the events that unfolded. However, he claimed he had to for the good of the job. Within hours, the Police Commissioner announced he would be replacing the entire academy staff with, “Instructors who are more in-touch with the cops on the street, and have a sense for what is required of police officers in the 21st Century.”
By the end of the day, the newly assigned staff was seen moving in their belongings, having just been transferred from Fleet Services, the Quartermaster, and Building Maintenance.