Precinct custodian makes sergeant list; didn’t even take exam
UPPER WEST SIDE – In a shocking twist following the release of the largest sergeant list in Department history, Joseph Wilkinson, the 21st Precinct custodian, has made the list without even sitting for the exam, which was administered in February of last year, The Hairbag has learned.
Wilkinson, who can often be seen cleaning the command for 30 minutes per day before disappearing faster than a narcotics cop at a detail, could not believe the news. “I didn’t even take the exam! If I knew civilians could take it, I’d have studied a lot sooner!”, he happily shouted while running up and down the stairs of his command, before acquainting himself with the desk area in preparation for his promotion.
In fact, our reporters found that approximately 300 members of the service who didn’t take the exam, including some of their family members, are slated to become sergeants based on the list. Police Officer Dante Goldberger, who stated he didn’t want to bother studying if he had to take the test on the same day as everyone else, was shocked to find his name next to list number 2683.
“I can’t believe it. And you know what’s even crazier? I went home and my mom was in the living room shedding tears of joy. I thought it was because she was happy for me, but it turned out she made the list, too. I guess we’ll both be sergeants now.” Goldberger shrugged.
Over in Staten Island, Detective Edward Smithers was seen calculating his possible promotion date. “I mean, if they promote 200 sergeants per month consistently, there’s a solid chance I could be made by the end of the year.” When we informed him the job consistently promotes an average of only 400 sergeants per year, he countered, “Listen, it’s possible. You never know.”
Inside of the Police Academy Equipment Section, a separate line was formed solely for those purchasing chevrons. The line, which roped all the way back to the gym, was all smiles. Police Officer Goedeker, who passed on throwouts, had spent the last year complaining about how he didn’t even want to be a boss on this job, and how it’s not worth it given the added responsibility and that he loved being the odd-man-out of the squad with no partner.
“I’m gonna get several pairs and walk over to the SBA office. Maybe they’ll let me enroll in the union early. Now that I’m basically a boss, maybe cops will listen to me”, a delusional Goedeker proclaimed, before concluding that he’ll slow down on activity since his score of 70.00001 means he’s basically already in BMOC.
Meanwhile, in a Brooklyn command’s Crime Analysis office, the mood was glum. “This is bullshit. Some custodian and a bunch of cops with 3 years on made it but I studied my ass off and failed. I sat in the office learning about crime statistics and making pretty graphics for the CompStat book so that I'd make a good leader. Fuck the job.”
The unidentified 5-year officer then handed in a pre-approved 28 for every major holiday in 2018 and signed out early for her Sat-Sun RDO, before sliding out the backdoor to avoid being assigned police work by the desk.