Entire SRG goes sick to prove point, but no one notices they're missing
MIDTOWN – In a coordinated effort to protest perceived lack of respect by their peers, every single member of SRG went regular sick early Wednesday morning, our Manhattan sources say. There was only one problem: no one realized they were missing.
The union delegate who orchestrated this failed bout of “blue flu”, PO Grimes, was sure the city would fall to its knees. “I don’t get it. Sure, we buff out and all, but we go out there every day and look for missing's, conduct critical checkpoints to uncover the most minor of violations that won’t result in traffic court even though we were told activity wouldn't be required, and show up to level 1 mobilizations dead last after everyone else, you know, so we can keep them safe with our weaponry”, claimed Grimes.
He added that their sacrifice should matter, even though the missing-recovery rate was only 1%, a number slightly worse than the year prior. Nevertheless, all was going according to plan until the first sign came that Grimes and his colleagues had been mistakenly led to believe they would be just like ESU, minus the prestige, pride, training, expertise, ability, quality, personality, reputation, glory, aptitude, and camaraderie.
That sign came in the form of a heavy job at a nearby precinct, when the Building Maintenance Section was requested to respond before SRG. In fact, Department carpenters responded with lightening precision, while Grimes candidly admitted that if SRG were working, they’d still be focusing on the proper placement of their velcro patches by the time the job was over.
“That’s when it dawned on me”, he went on, “We don’t really do sh—t around here. Sure, we respond sometimes, collar a few protesters here and there, but there's nothing strategic about it. But hey, better than being a slave to the radio, right?”.
The lone exception to the sick leave en masse was SRG Captain Locastro, who was busy in Times Square donning full riot gear in preparation for an elderly rights march, where numerous friendly octogenarians were expected to be in attendance. He was last seen on horseback, parading down 42nd street, repeatedly shouting, “Where are my troops?!” in perfect military cadence.
All members returned to duty the following day. Luckily for the Department, it was like they never even left. As for PO Grimes, we’re told he spent his first morning back at work scanning the P.O.S.T. system for a new assignment, having set his sights on the Detective Bureau. “I take my 3 sicks a year. I'll still get an interview, right?”.