Community Affairs Cop Brokers Peace Deal at BBQ, Wins Nobel Prize
CROWN HEIGHTS – For the first time in Department history, a uniformed member of the service has won the Nobel Peace Prize, The Hairbag has learned.
The recipient–Detective Specialist Michelle Vickers of the Community Affairs Bureau–was informed of the decision earlier today, after the committee in Norway selected her to receive the prize.
The award stemmed from the now-famous Eastern Parkway BBQ Peace Accords, which took place last August. Detective Vickers had tried in vain for months to stem the flow of violence as a result of feuding gangs in the neighborhood.
”I had tried everything to get them to stop. Everything. Talking, hugging, you name it,” she stated.
When asked by The Hairbag if she had tried making arrests, a sudden look of panicky, perplexed confusion became apparent. “Look, you’re the missing the point,” she claimed.
Vickers said her eureka moment came while conducting community visits at local restaurants, while sector cars wrestled with backlog and denied meals. “It hit me right then and there. If I organized a BBQ, maybe the violence would cease.”
She couldn’t have been more right. Within hours of the event, rival gangs were talking peacefully, putting aside their petty differences and bonding over a shared love for meat.
Our reporters were on hand for the event, where one gang member told us, “To be honest, I came here with a closed mind. I was ready to bust a cap in that guys ass over there because he wore my colors, but now, we’re talking about getting our GED’s together and maybe going to law school.”
Due to numerous pending court cases for gun possession and resisting arrest, he requested to remain anonymous.
With every burger Vickers flipped, tensions went down even further. By sundown, not one round was fired. “This is wild. I never knew how powerful a hot dog could be,” she proudly declared. “I mean, I knew that at a minimum, I’d get first-grade, but I never thought I’d win the Nobel.”
Vickers will fly to Oslo next month to accept the award, while the City Council is in talks to lay a bronze plaque at the site where the grill stood on that fateful summer day. As for future plans, she said she isn’t going anywhere.
“Light blue is who I am. I can’t change that,” Vickers said as she tapped the embroidered shield on her polo shirt.
There’s a lot of violence out there, and I know how to grill better than anyone on the job,” she smiled before giving a wink and a nod to the passing sector car, who was on its way to a second shots fired job that tour.
When asked if she would be backing, Vickers took a step back and said, “I would if I could, but then who would man the grill?”