CRC petitions U.S. to be recognized as branch of the Armed Forces
MIDTOWN – Early yesterday, members of the Departments “elite” counterterrorism unit–the Critical Response Command–petitioned the United States Department of Defense to be recognized as combat veterans, The Hairbag has confirmed.
Following this shocking yet unsurprising petition, our reporters caught up with two CRC cops while they stood in front of their hardship post: the Victoria’s Secret on 5th Avenue.
“Look, we’re also veterans of the Global War on Terror. We just do it stateside”, PO McCalloway mumbled as the Kevlar helmet secured tightly around his chin, squeezing his cheeks in what can only be described as resembling that of a chipmunk severely lacking oxygen.
“I mean, what? They deploy to some random country for fifteen months and then come home?” McCalloway quipped. “I’m out here for at least 8:35 every day, often with overtime on the end. I pose for hundreds of pictures and make sure I get my meal and two personals. It’s not much different. Before we got here, these high-end fashion stores went unprotected.”
Records show the United States military has 240 years of tested mettle, enduring training, storied leaders, battle-hardened glory, camaraderie, esprit d'corps, expert marksmanship, and intestinal fortitude.
Meanwhile, CRC brings to the table several weeks of Department-style firearms training, months of mirror-flexing, and several hundred hours of seeking out the coolest uniforms. “See this patch? It stands for freedom,” McCalloway said. When asked how their duties differed from that of CRV, he immediately countered, saying, “This is nothing like CRV. We do it so much better. We don’t only respond, we do it critically. I mean, isn't that obvious?”
His partner, PO Constapolous, nodded in agreement. “Bro, I did my time in hell, too.” He added, “I did impact in Brownsville. I was hardened by it. They gave me the toughest fixer in the command, because they knew I could handle it. I should have known right then and there I’d go places on this job.”
Constapolous went on, “It would just be nice to finally get Memorial and Veterans Day off. Other cops think we’re just precinct rejects, but really, we’ve got more guts and a thirst for glory than the average UMOS. We’re a cut above, and it’s hard for lots of cops to swallow that.”
When The Hairbag mentioned that war veterans often suffer with rations, low-quality chow halls while on deployment, and terrible working conditions, the elite duo seemed unfazed. “You wanna’ talk suffering? Sometimes, we miss the exit and end up in the Bronx”, shouted McCalloway. “You know what that means? Bodega coffee. I challenge anyone to make that sacrifice,” he rambled on while sipping his $5.00 hipster-brewed latte before complaining about not making enough money.
When reached for comment, a Counterterrorism Bureau spokesman stated, “CRC is always at the point of friction. Standing guard and always at the ready to take down a terrorist. Except the last one. That was port authority. And the one before that. That was patrol. Or the active shooter in the Bronx. That was ESU. But still…they are always the first ones to respond–after the sector concerned–in the war on terror, prepared to combat park their way into the history books.”
We followed the partners back to their base of operations on Randall’s Island, which they aptly named “The Pentagon of New York.” McCallaway chimed, “We’re also rifle experts,” wiping away scallion cream cheese from his mustache. “I had to qualify with this baby from the 25-yard line. No easy feat.”
Back in the locker room, the dynamic duo changed into their plainclothes tacti-cool attire, as Constapolous exposed his dog tags, which contained his blood type, religion, and Call of Duty call sign. “These babies get me the military discount at Costco,” he proudly smirked.
When asked by The Hairbag why he never joined the real military, he responded, “You see, I was going to, and I had everything ready to go but then like my recruiter like messed something up and then I got a good gig at Applebee's so I didn't bother. But this is practically the same thing.”
At end of tour, McCalloway was seen walking to his Dodge Ram 3500, wearing a t-shirt with a large graphic that read “Infidel.” As he revved the engine in the parking lot, he turned to us and said, “One day, we’ll get the recognition we deserve. What do people think we are, SRG? But until then, I guess I can’t really complain, “angrily shaking his head as he rolled up the window and drove off into the sunset.