The Hairbag Times

Open Letter to Our Readers

To our readers, fans, and colleagues:

We want to take a few moments to share some decisions we’ve recently made. We planned to post our completed but unpublished work before writing this message, but we feel we must address some recent chatter, the origins of which are unclear.

Cop goes half hour without telling his date about that guy he collared this one time

THE BRONX – Sources in the boogie down this evening revealed that an area anti-crime officer managed to go nearly half an hour without mentioning a past arrest while on a first date, The Hairbag has learned.

Captain with 10 years in rank still holding out for promotion to Deputy Inspector

MIDTOWN – An executive officer assigned to the 15th Precinct is remaining optimistic after being passed over yet again for a promotion to Deputy Inspector, The Hairbag has learned. 

Cop vows to quit paying fraternal group dues after it provides him no hooks

QUEENS – An officer assigned to a local transit district has vowed to stop paying the annual dues for his fraternal group after it has provided him no hooks, connections, or career opportunities, sources told The Hairbag.

Sergeant who proclaimed job is dead also the reason job is dead

UPPER MANHATTAN – Earlier this week, it was learned a local patrol sergeant who had long proclaimed the job was dead is actually the reason the job is dead, according to multiple sources who spoke with The Hairbag. 

Nightwatch detective actually enthusiastic about responding to major crime

QUEENS – Breaking with a decades long tradition, a detective assigned to Nightwatch was genuinely excited about responding to a major crime, The Hairbag has learned.

Anti-crime teams lose sense of purpose after gravity knife ban overturned

MANHATTAN – Following breaking news out of federal court that ruled the “gravity knife” ban unconstitutional, precinct anti-crime teams citywide are now left scrambling to find a sense of purpose, The Hairbag has learned.

Department's BWC policy leaves bad taste in cops' mouths

BROOKLYN – Earlier today, the Police Commissioner announced a proclamation ordering the Department to rethink its Body-worn Camera policy, as current issues have come to a head, The Hairbag has learned. 

ADA to require Twitter photo as part of arrest package for gun collars

MANHATTAN – As part of sweeping reforms to the arraignment process for firearm arrests, all five District Attorneys have announced that social media photos of arresting officers posing with the weapons will be required prior to any court proceeding, sources told the The Hairbag earlier this morning.