Cop goes half hour without telling his date about that guy he collared this one time
THE BRONX – Sources in the boogie down this evening revealed that an area anti-crime officer managed to go nearly half an hour without mentioning a past arrest while on a first date, The Hairbag has learned.
Indeed, corroborating evidence confirms that Police Officer Arsenio Batts-who has approximately 1 year on the job-did not once mention to his Tinder date any of his numerous resisting OGA or patrol-initiated arrests, in spite of a variety of perfect chances to bring them up.
”I was waiting on my chicken parmigiana when I saw Batts’ date ask him if he’s ever done anything heroic,” said one witness. “I was shocked when he didn’t mention any of his CPM 5 collars, but instead asked about her own interests.”
When questioned by our investigative reporting team, the waitress serving the duo told us, “I went over there to bring their order. An apple martini for her, a gallon of water in a to-go jug with a side of protein for him.”
She continued by saying she had overheard him say, “Bro, this one time, we chased this guy through the construction site he was working at. When we got him, he told us some BS story about how the box cutter on his belt was for cutting boxes. Yeah okay, bro. One under.”
The waitress added, “It was very strange, because she was a young woman but he kept saying ‘bro’ every few seconds. I guess if he at least went that long without bringing up his job, it’s a good start.”
Sources say the young woman was not able to get a word in for the rest of the night, as Batts mixed his protein and excused himself to do a set of squats. In fact, the Facebook status he posted while walking to the bathroom read, “#swolentation #1stphorm”.
Batts then returned to the table and began speaking only in job jargon, arising a look of confusion from his date. “Patrol had a 30 one time, so we went to 85 them without going 84 and got the perp. We asked for an under time before the sector got there and we later marked it 92C. Good thing there was a body or we’d have been 90Z before someone had to do the 61.”
Unfortunately, the date was abruptly cut short as a loud, obnoxious tone overtook the sweet serenade of Batts’ banter. “Oh shit, bro. I gotta run,” he shouted, wiping the caked protein from his upper lip. “I’ll hit you up on DM,” he screamed while running for the door.
We later learned the sound had come from a pager on Batts’ belt, notifying him about an alarm call for his volunteer fire department 68 miles away. We’re later told he arrived just in time to stand around at the scene before heading home.
When reached for comment, his date said she would not likely be seeing Batts again. “He’s not my type. I’m looking for someone with a lot more free time on their hands.” She was later seen on a date with an NCO.