ADA to require Twitter photo as part of arrest package for gun collars

MANHATTAN – As part of sweeping reforms to the arraignment process for firearm arrests, all five District Attorneys have announced that social media photos of arresting officers posing with the weapons will be required prior to any court proceeding, sources told the The Hairbag earlier this morning.

The shocking news comes as citywide conviction rates have been plummeting, leaving Assistant District Attorneys scrambling to find ways to improve their lackluster numbers. “We had to do something,” said the Bronx District Attorney, touting her dismal 2% conviction rate and adding, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

In Brooklyn, another Assistant District Attorney said, “How can we be completely sure the arrest even happened without social media evidence? Sure, surveillance video of the actual crime is great, but jurors want to see cops standing in front of a dirty muster room table, hands on their hips, as the firearm is proudly displayed,” said the veteran ADA.

He added the more ridiculous the photo, the better the chances of winning at trial. “What I would tell the cops out there is to get as many people as you can in the photo. Grab the precinct cleaner, a nearby crossing guard, even the NCO’s if you can find them. Make sure they’re in the frame and toss in a nice filter. This will seriously increase the chances of getting a conviction.”

In the field, the members of the service we spoke with had mixed feelings about the new requirement. “It’s about time,” said Police Officer Dempsey, an anti-crime cop.

“You know how hard it is to rush to gun runs before patrol gets there, and articulate how we’re entitled to the collar? That takes skill,” added the officer, who is nearing the end of his probationary period.

“The photo means we’re finally getting the recognition we not only crave, but deserve,” he said, returning from a 10-90Z gun run where he was the first on scene, but left without doing any of the paperwork. “Besides, these photos are great for use on Tinder.”

Another officer in Queens was less than ecstatic. “It’s just more of the same. Handcuff the cops with stupid rules like this, and crime will just skyrocket. I got 4 years left, then I’m out,” he told us, later saying his gun collar ended in a declined prosecution because the Twitter photo was of such low quality, the gun was not clearly visible on the table. “They want pictures, but they give us outdated cameras without portrait mode. Total bullshit.”

We reached out to the Legal Aid Society about the change in policy, who indicated a sense of pride at the move. “For years, we’ve been trying to guarantee a more fair and transparent prosecutorial system around the five boroughs,” said a spokeswoman.

“The Twitter photo requirement is a step in the right direction. Cops posing with confiscated evidence and marginally clever captions such as ‘while you were sleeping’ ensure the most vulnerable New Yorkers receive due process,” added the spokeswoman.

In anticipation of the change, the Community Affairs Bureau will be adding a cadre of uniformed members armed with state-of-the-art photography equipment. The Chief of Community Affairs said, “It’s not just about #onelessgun, but #onemorephoto.”

The Chief assured our reporters that no personnel will be taken from other units, ensuring the skilled investigators assigned to the bureau will continue to host BBQ’s citywide.

In a strange twist, PO Dempsey was later placed on modified duty after a judge dismissed his gun collar. It was determined he had merely posed with his own firearm. He was unavailable for comment.