Captain with 10 years in rank still holding out for promotion to Deputy Inspector

MIDTOWN – An executive officer assigned to the 15th Precinct is remaining optimistic after being passed over yet again for a promotion to Deputy Inspector, The Hairbag has learned. 

While the bitter news would be a tough pill for a lesser man to swallow, Captain Joseph Roldan is not taking it personally. “I mean, I’m definitely up next. I gotta’ be,” said Roldan as he settled into his new office at the 15th Precinct, his sixth consecutive stint as executive officer.

He added, “A few commands are opening up soon. I’m pretty sure one of them has my name on it.”

As it would later turn out, those commands did not have his name on it. “Yeah, but you see, this was just a fluke. The next one? Definitely my time,” nodded Roldan as he suited up for yet another midnight duty on his birthday, despite hating the tour and being #1 on the seniority list in the borough.

“Sure, I get that I’m at the bottom of the top, but I get to do 8-hour tours, and I already have a full bird’s pension, so there’s that,” reiterates Roldan to helpless desk officers and rookie captains throughout Manhattan.

The Hairbag reached out to Dr. Elvis McCall, a renowned physician in the field of “Executive Denial of Promotion,” also known as EDP. 

“It’s widespread, but it often goes untreated. While EDP can affect captains at any time, it usually strikes around the 5th year in rank,” said the doctor, who received his medical training at Nassau Community College.

“The first symptom is usually when the patient begins to tell people that, ‘Being an XO isn’t that bad,’ or ‘I should be up soon,’ or ‘I love doing the duty.’ If you hear any of these statements uttered, do the captain a favor and have them seek treatment.”

Unfortunately, the prognosis is grim. “It can be cured only by obtaining the oak leaf,” said Dr. McCall, who has recently been studying a mutated version of EDP, which affects full inspectors who have been repeatedly skipped over for promotion to Deputy Chief.

“It’s striking how much this can affect not only the ones afflicted with the syndrome but those who work for them,” he said. 

As for Captain Roldan, he refuses to acknowledge his early onset EDP. “I’m not taking advice from some quack. I know my value in this organization,” he shouted so loudly it caused an echo to ripple from his converted janitor closet with “XO” written in sharpie across the door.

“Besides, there are promotions scheduled next month, so I’ll be notified any day now,” he said.

Sources reveal that indeed, he received a notification the following day. However, it was for his new assignment as executive officer of a bordering precinct. Luckily, it was a smooth transition, given that he hadn’t even finished unpacking.