Sergeant who proclaimed job is dead also the reason job is dead
UPPER MANHATTAN – Earlier this week, it was learned a local patrol sergeant who had long proclaimed the job was dead is actually the reason the job is dead, according to multiple sources who spoke with The Hairbag.
The supervisor, Sergeant Anthony McGrath, is known for spewing a variety of creative, original, non-cliche analogies regarding his police employment.
“The job is a sinking ship. Get out while you can,” he proclaims to anyone within earshot of the 37th Precinct desk. “This isn’t your grandfather’s Police Department,” he often mumbles to no one in particular.
But multiple members of his command maintain that Sgt. McGrath is a walking contradiction.
“I walked up to the desk with a 28 for lost time and he just stared at me asking what activity I brought in to deserve his signature,” said Police Officer Goldberg, who added that McGrath ultimately denied his request and made him drive him to Grand Central Station instead so he could catch his train.
Another officer claims McGrath went on a grammatically incorrect, all-caps Facebook rant when Automatic Vehicle Locators (AVL) were introduced.
“THIS SORT OF BS IS WHY THE JOB IS DONE WE NEVER WOULD A STOOD FOR THIS IN 1990 I CANOT WAIT TO RETRIE AND MOVE,” read part of the post, which raises additional questions since McGrath has been eligible for retirement since 2012.
“He wrote this whole post basically saying how real policing was a thing of the past because of the AVL; how the job was on life support,” said Police Officer Munoz.
“But then he called me screaming asking why the car hadn’t moved in over an hour. Telling me I was a disgrace to the uniform. But I had to tell him we were on a fixed post. Turns out he hadn’t even checked the roll call,” added Munoz.
“Besides, he’s part of the reason the AVL exists anyway. He was watching old wrestling VHS videos at his house on job time. After he got caught and was lucky enough to get a slap on the wrist, he started every roll call with a rant about how the job isn’t fun anymore and how we should all resign or vest out.”
We caught up with McGrath as he exited a local bodega, seemingly in anger. “These guys won’t do the right thing. So what if I asked for a few things for my weekend BBQ? Bunch of libtards,” he screamed.
“Listen. One day, these cops will come to appreciate my lack of respect for them and the profession. Leadership isn’t taught, it’s evaluated through arbitrary multiple choice questions,” said McGrath as he went from store to store hoping to grocery shop on the arm.
“Who do these new, young bosses think they are providing guidance to their subordinates?” he shrugged before letting out a soft sigh. ”When I came on the job, if I even breathed the same air as my sergeant, I’d get a month of foot posts. That was real leadership.”
“Not to mention, we used to get treated like gentlemen. Back when men were men and the job was the job,” he said, pointing out that real winners were the 20-and-out crowd who now work borderline minimum wage security jobs at schools, hospitals, and NYC landmarks.
“Sure, inflation is rapidly catching up to them, but think of how good they have it.” When asked by The Hairbag why he doesn’t just retire, McGrath reaffirmed that, “It was only a matter of time.”
However, when reminded that while dead, the job enables him to earn a six figure salary in spite of lacking any sort of skill, tact, professional appearance, communication ability, respect for others, trustworthiness, intelligence, dependability, or honor, he merely accused our reporters of being company men.
He then proceeded to berate a sector team for not doing enough community visits before quizzing them on mandatory body camera activations.