Anti-crime teams lose sense of purpose after gravity knife ban overturned

MANHATTAN – Following breaking news out of federal court that ruled the “gravity knife” ban unconstitutional, precinct anti-crime teams citywide are now left scrambling to find a sense of purpose, The Hairbag has learned.

After a judge declared the law – which had stood for decades – unconstitutional, groans could be heard in precinct gyms across the city. “I can’t believe this. What am I supposed to do now?” proclaimed one anti-crime officer from Queens, who lists receiving plainclothes training as the pinnacle of his career. 

In Brooklyn, one Special Operations Lieutenant called an emergency meeting of his crime teams, saying he would do all he can to ensure they would once again find something worthwhile to do.

“As your leader,” he said, “I will see to it that you aren’t relegated to the mundane, like taking 61’s and talking to the public,” which led the teams to put down their gallon water jugs and raucously applaud. 

One officer we spoke with said he had worked his entire career to get a spot in anti-crime, and how it now felt as if it was all for naught. “It was the toughest year and a half of my life,” he told us. “Now that we can’t go after construction workers and day laborers, crime will just sky rocket. People don’t realize how menacing those guys can be.”

The news hit one officer in the Bronx particularly hard. “Talk about a punch in the gut. More anti-police nonsense. If not for us, who else would do god’s work? Patrol? Gimme a break,” he shouted, ripping off his color-of-the-day armband in disgust.

“Look, why do you think us crime guys spend so much time in the gym and devour all that protein? So we can flick our wrists at lightning speeds when trying to open these knives. Before I started working out, I had to loosen the screw to get it to open. I was so happy those days were behind me. I got tired of carrying a screwdriver with me in the field,”  he added, before disappearing into the lounge for 7 hours.

Meanwhile, in midtown Manhattan, an elite team of knife-collaring crime cops were forced to reckon with the fact they would have to let tourists visiting New York City walk free with their gravity knives.

“Fuck, man. These tourists were like a bottomless pit of collars and overtime. Now I’m going to have to actually make stops based on reasonable suspicion and maybe find something illegal? The job is changing,” said the Tier 3 officer.

When The Hairbag asked if he felt any shame in collaring well-intentioned tourists who support police officers and merely carried the knives for self-defense, he replied by saying,“The law is the law. Period,” before driving off in his blue-line adorned personal car with no front license plate, a tinted rear license plate cover, a 1% tinted windshield, and blowing several red lights.