To our readers, fans, and colleagues:

We want to take a few moments to share some decisions we’ve recently made. We planned to post our completed but unpublished work before writing this message, but we feel we must address some recent chatter, the origins of which are unclear.

When The Hairbag Times went live in 2017, the focus was simple: to make cops laugh about the realities of 'the job' and to alleviate the stresses that come with it. We did so in the best way we knew how: self-deprecating satire.

When this all began, we acknowledged there might come a time when doing so would no longer be possible. Unfortunately, in the face of actions we view as disproportionate and personal, we believe that time has arrived.

We always took great care to remain above the fray, abide by policies, and to never cross the line into bitterness, anger, and general distaste. We would not have gotten this far if we didn't.

The feedback we've received publicly by thousands of cops encompassing all ranks and privately by hundreds of others validated our initial mission, driving us to keep going and come up with newer, more ridiculous ways to make you laugh. We never expected to have such a positive effect on morale. That has been the greatest reward.

When we started this site, we opted to remain faceless for two reasons. First, we understood that not all humor is well received and that our content could elicit direct attention. Second, we did not want to lose the creative freedom that substantial anonymity permits. Without it, the page cannot exist in peak form. Writing with fear of reprisal in the backdrop is no way to write. If that were to occur, we knew HBT would shift from being fun to burdensome.

The page is not a profit-motivated business. It's a self-sustaining hobby. The merchandise we sell—with permission—arose from reader demand and pays for the professional platform you have become accustomed to seeing. Any money left over is donated on a rotating basis to various accredited police charities we have advocated for in the past.

As with any hobby, we maintain personal lives and careers to which HBT will always—and must—come secondary. Several months back, certain actions made it clear this secondary status was starting to erode. While we hold no ill will, we correctly predicted this would continue. So, we made the tough call that is was time to move on— the only question remaining being when. We believe that time is now.

This letter will be the last post. Our social media presence will be winding down in the coming week, while our website will remain active in its current form through our subscription expiration later this summer (we are exploring the possibility of archiving our stories onto a more basic platform for anyone to revisit or discover). We will not restock our inventory, and the remaining supply will remain available through the same period for anyone interested in making a final purchase.

We're very proud of the brand we've created and what it represents. We always had only the best of intentions and vowed to use our platform for good. We genuinely believe 99.9% of people saw that, too.

We thank our tens of thousands of readers who have helped us reach this point. We are still in awe that we were ever able to attain such reach. It's been an incredible two years which, frankly, is longer than we could have hoped for.

As we reflect on this endeavor, we never thought we'd have the honor of using our skill set to make cops laugh the way we did, and to make their day a little brighter. In fact, calling it a mere honor is an understatement. For that, we'll be forever grateful.

Regardless of your circumstances, whatever they may be, don't discount your role in this profession. It remains a truly honorable one.

That said, please stay safe, take care of each other, and don’t be afraid to ask for help or talk to someone when you need to. And, of course, remember to laugh every day.

Thanks for everything.

The Hairbag Times

THE BRONX – Sources in the boogie down this evening revealed that an area anti-crime officer managed to go nearly half an hour without mentioning a past arrest while on a first date, The Hairbag has learned.

Indeed, corroborating evidence confirms that Police Officer Arsenio Batts-who has approximately 1 year on the job-did not once mention to his Tinder date any of his numerous resisting OGA or patrol-initiated arrests, in spite of a variety of perfect chances to bring them up.

”I was waiting on my chicken parmigiana when I saw Batts’ date ask him if he’s ever done anything heroic,” said one witness. “I was shocked when he didn’t mention any of his CPM 5 collars, but instead asked about her own interests.”

When questioned by our investigative reporting team, the waitress serving the duo told us, “I went over there to bring their order. An apple martini for her, a gallon of water in a to-go jug with a side of protein for him.”

She continued by saying she had overheard him say, “Bro, this one time, we chased this guy through the construction site he was working at. When we got him, he told us some BS story about how the box cutter on his belt was for cutting boxes. Yeah okay, bro. One under.”

The waitress added, “It was very strange, because she was a young woman but he kept saying ‘bro’ every few seconds. I guess if he at least went that long without bringing up his job, it’s a good start.”

Sources say the young woman was not able to get a word in for the rest of the night, as Batts mixed his protein and excused himself to do a set of squats. In fact, the Facebook status he posted while walking to the bathroom read, “#swolentation #1stphorm”.

Batts then returned to the table and began speaking only in job jargon, arising a look of confusion from his date. “Patrol had a 30 one time, so we went to 85 them without going 84 and got the perp. We asked for an under time before the sector got there and we later marked it 92C. Good thing there was a body or we’d have been 90Z before someone had to do the 61.”

Unfortunately, the date was abruptly cut short as a loud, obnoxious tone overtook the sweet serenade of Batts’ banter. “Oh shit, bro. I gotta run,” he shouted, wiping the caked protein from his upper lip. “I’ll hit you up on DM,” he screamed while running for the door.

We later learned the sound had come from a pager on Batts’ belt, notifying him about an alarm call for his volunteer fire department 68 miles away. We’re later told he arrived just in time to stand around at the scene before heading home.

When reached for comment, his date said she would not likely be seeing Batts again. “He’s not my type. I’m looking for someone with a lot more free time on their hands.” She was later seen on a date with an NCO.

MIDTOWN – An executive officer assigned to the 15th Precinct is remaining optimistic after being passed over yet again for a promotion to Deputy Inspector, The Hairbag has learned. 

While the bitter news would be a tough pill for a lesser man to swallow, Captain Joseph Roldan is not taking it personally. “I mean, I’m definitely up next. I gotta’ be,” said Roldan as he settled into his new office at the 15th Precinct, his sixth consecutive stint as executive officer.

He added, “A few commands are opening up soon. I’m pretty sure one of them has my name on it.”

As it would later turn out, those commands did not have his name on it. “Yeah, but you see, this was just a fluke. The next one? Definitely my time,” nodded Roldan as he suited up for yet another midnight duty on his birthday, despite hating the tour and being #1 on the seniority list in the borough.

“Sure, I get that I’m at the bottom of the top, but I get to do 8-hour tours, and I already have a full bird’s pension, so there’s that,” reiterates Roldan to helpless desk officers and rookie captains throughout Manhattan.

The Hairbag reached out to Dr. Elvis McCall, a renowned physician in the field of “Executive Denial of Promotion,” also known as EDP. 

“It’s widespread, but it often goes untreated. While EDP can affect captains at any time, it usually strikes around the 5th year in rank,” said the doctor, who received his medical training at Nassau Community College.

“The first symptom is usually when the patient begins to tell people that, ‘Being an XO isn’t that bad,’ or ‘I should be up soon,’ or ‘I love doing the duty.’ If you hear any of these statements uttered, do the captain a favor and have them seek treatment.”

Unfortunately, the prognosis is grim. “It can be cured only by obtaining the oak leaf,” said Dr. McCall, who has recently been studying a mutated version of EDP, which affects full inspectors who have been repeatedly skipped over for promotion to Deputy Chief.

“It’s striking how much this can affect not only the ones afflicted with the syndrome but those who work for them,” he said. 

As for Captain Roldan, he refuses to acknowledge his early onset EDP. “I’m not taking advice from some quack. I know my value in this organization,” he shouted so loudly it caused an echo to ripple from his converted janitor closet with “XO” written in sharpie across the door.

“Besides, there are promotions scheduled next month, so I’ll be notified any day now,” he said.

Sources reveal that indeed, he received a notification the following day. However, it was for his new assignment as executive officer of a bordering precinct. Luckily, it was a smooth transition, given that he hadn’t even finished unpacking.

QUEENS – An officer assigned to a local transit district has vowed to stop paying the annual dues for his fraternal group after it has provided him no hooks, connections, or career opportunities, sources told The Hairbag.

The news comes after Police Officer Mikelski attended the annual dinner for his fraternal organization, the Regional Northeast Western Coastal Slovak Recognition Society.

“I’ve just had enough,” proclaimed Mikelski as he loosened his tie upon exiting the venue where the event was being held. “Five years I’ve been paying my dues. Five! And I have nothing to show for it but the same patrol spot I’ve been in since I joined,” he added.

“It’s the same thing every year. They have these events, honor the same chiefs or commissioners, and everyone leaves with nothing to show for it but a lighter wallet.”

Indeed, records provided by Mikelski confirmed he has paid his annual $75 dues like clockwork for each of the last few years.

“I didn’t really have a choice. They would hunt me down if I didn’t pay. They would tell me how important it is for us to stick together as a community, and how beneficial it was for me and my career. Then they’d give me a bootleg looking membership card and a pat on the back.”

Asking around citywide, The Hairbag tracked down a litany of members of the service who also expressed frustrations with their fraternal memberships.

“Bro, I joined every group I could when I was in the academy. I’m still stuck in Sector A. What’s a guy gotta’ do to get a transfer?” said one officer, notorious for his purple cargo pants, and jelly stained tie.“I don’t understand what’s holding me back,” he added.

Another officer had a variety of glossy photos littered across his desk. “These are all pictures of me and a bunch of people that look like me,” said the officer, admitting that he doesn’t know the name of anyone in any of the photos but added “This is what sticking together looks like.”

Other members said the key was to join every possible fraternal organization, even if you have no hereditary link to their group.

“Listen, this is how it’s done. This is how hooks are made,” said the sergeant, who continues to maintain active membership to over 15 fraternal groups.

He then proudly displayed his membership cards, which he handed over to our reporters faster than a motorist handing over PBA cards on a car stop.

“One day, this will all pay off,” said the sergeant, as he licked the envelope containing the check for his 20th straight year of dues before returning to the precinct desk.

UPPER MANHATTAN – Earlier this week, it was learned a local patrol sergeant who had long proclaimed the job was dead is actually the reason the job is dead, according to multiple sources who spoke with The Hairbag. 

The supervisor, Sergeant Anthony McGrath, is known for spewing a variety of creative, original, non-cliche analogies regarding his police employment.

“The job is a sinking ship. Get out while you can,” he proclaims to anyone within earshot of the 37th Precinct desk. “This isn’t your grandfather’s Police Department,” he often mumbles to no one in particular. 

But multiple members of his command maintain that Sgt. McGrath is a walking contradiction.

“I walked up to the desk with a 28 for lost time and he just stared at me asking what activity I brought in to deserve his signature,” said Police Officer Goldberg, who added that McGrath ultimately denied his request and made him drive him to Grand Central Station instead so he could catch his train.

Another officer claims McGrath went on a grammatically incorrect, all-caps Facebook rant when Automatic Vehicle Locators (AVL) were introduced.

“THIS SORT OF BS IS WHY THE JOB IS DONE WE NEVER WOULD A STOOD FOR THIS IN 1990 I CANOT WAIT TO RETRIE AND MOVE,” read part of the post, which raises additional questions since McGrath has been eligible for retirement since 2012. 

“He wrote this whole post basically saying how real policing was a thing of the past because of the AVL; how the job was on life support,” said Police Officer Munoz.

“But then he called me screaming asking why the car hadn’t moved in over an hour. Telling me I was a disgrace to the uniform. But I had to tell him we were on a fixed post. Turns out he hadn’t even checked the roll call,” added Munoz.

“Besides, he’s part of the reason the AVL exists anyway. He was watching old wrestling VHS videos at his house on job time. After he got caught and was lucky enough to get a slap on the wrist, he started every roll call with a rant about how the job isn’t fun anymore and how we should all resign or vest out.”

We caught up with McGrath as he exited a local bodega, seemingly in anger. “These guys won’t do the right thing. So what if I asked for a few things for my weekend BBQ? Bunch of libtards,” he screamed. 

“Listen. One day, these cops will come to appreciate my lack of respect for them and the profession. Leadership isn’t taught, it’s evaluated through arbitrary multiple choice questions,” said McGrath as he went from store to store hoping to grocery shop on the arm.

“Who do these new, young bosses think they are providing guidance to their subordinates?” he shrugged before letting out a soft sigh. ”When I came on the job, if I even breathed the same air as my sergeant, I’d get a month of foot posts. That was real leadership.”

“Not to mention, we used to get treated like gentlemen. Back when men were men and the job was the job,” he said, pointing out that real winners were the 20-and-out crowd who now work borderline minimum wage security jobs at schools, hospitals, and NYC landmarks.

“Sure, inflation is rapidly catching up to them, but think of how good they have it.” When asked by The Hairbag why he doesn’t just retire, McGrath reaffirmed that, “It was only a matter of time.”

However, when reminded that while dead, the job enables him to earn a six figure salary in spite of lacking any sort of skill, tact, professional appearance, communication ability, respect for others, trustworthiness, intelligence, dependability, or honor, he merely accused our reporters of being company men.

He then proceeded to berate a sector team for not doing enough community visits before quizzing them on mandatory body camera activations.

QUEENS – Breaking with a decades long tradition, a detective assigned to Nightwatch was genuinely excited about responding to a major crime, The Hairbag has learned.

According to Police Officer Andy Cheung, the incident occurred well into the late tour in the confines of the 117th Precinct in Southeast Queens. “We responded to this gunpoint robbery where the victim had been pistol whipped. It was a real bad scene,” recalled Cheung. 

“When the boss told me to give Nightwatch a call, I had to mentally prepare myself. I fully expected to fight tooth-and-nail to get a name for the complaint report, as I always have in the past. But then, the craziest thing happened. I dialed the number, and someone answered on the first ring. My parter, a real old timer, said he’s never seen that happen in his 25 years on patrol. I figured maybe they thought I was the takeout they had just ordered.”

What happened next sent shockwaves throughout midnight platoons citywide as Cheung, who sensed he was on the brink of something major, listened in as Detective William Douglas not only asked about the incident, but did so respectfully and with genuine interest. 

“I couldn’t believe it. He talked to me like a colleague, an equal. Then, he asked about the crime, and what information we had. I thought I might have had the wrong number, but then he gave me his name without hesitation and said he’d be on scene as soon as possible.  In that moment, I knew I was a part of something bigger than myself,” said Cheung, wiping a lone tear from his cheek.

Moments later, Detective Douglas arrived on scene and, in continuing his odd pattern of behavior, interviewed the complainant, canvassed for video, and completed routine investigatory steps.

“I want to make sure I covered the initial bases, so the squad guys at least have something to go on tomorrow,” said Douglas, as the patrol cops looked on with dropped jaws. 

Indeed, the catching detective was shocked with what he saw on the his desk the next morning. “It’s like someone from the Detective Bureau was actually there conducting an investigation. I thought the other squad guys were playing a prank, but no. It was legit. I was in shock,” he said.

On that fateful night, truth had proven to be, in fact, stranger than fiction. Unfortunately for Detective Douglas, he was later transferred to a numbered squad in a bordering borough.

His colleagues determined he could no longer carry out his Nightwatch duties after breaking the unit’s cardinal rule by caring about his job.

We later reached out to Nightwatch for comment, but no one answered the phone until the third try, at which time someone just provided a random name and yelled, “notified.”

We can only assume it was back to business as usual.

MANHATTAN – Following breaking news out of federal court that ruled the “gravity knife” ban unconstitutional, precinct anti-crime teams citywide are now left scrambling to find a sense of purpose, The Hairbag has learned.

After a judge declared the law – which had stood for decades – unconstitutional, groans could be heard in precinct gyms across the city. “I can’t believe this. What am I supposed to do now?” proclaimed one anti-crime officer from Queens, who lists receiving plainclothes training as the pinnacle of his career. 

In Brooklyn, one Special Operations Lieutenant called an emergency meeting of his crime teams, saying he would do all he can to ensure they would once again find something worthwhile to do.

“As your leader,” he said, “I will see to it that you aren’t relegated to the mundane, like taking 61’s and talking to the public,” which led the teams to put down their gallon water jugs and raucously applaud. 

One officer we spoke with said he had worked his entire career to get a spot in anti-crime, and how it now felt as if it was all for naught. “It was the toughest year and a half of my life,” he told us. “Now that we can’t go after construction workers and day laborers, crime will just sky rocket. People don’t realize how menacing those guys can be.”

The news hit one officer in the Bronx particularly hard. “Talk about a punch in the gut. More anti-police nonsense. If not for us, who else would do god’s work? Patrol? Gimme a break,” he shouted, ripping off his color-of-the-day armband in disgust.

“Look, why do you think us crime guys spend so much time in the gym and devour all that protein? So we can flick our wrists at lightning speeds when trying to open these knives. Before I started working out, I had to loosen the screw to get it to open. I was so happy those days were behind me. I got tired of carrying a screwdriver with me in the field,”  he added, before disappearing into the lounge for 7 hours.

Meanwhile, in midtown Manhattan, an elite team of knife-collaring crime cops were forced to reckon with the fact they would have to let tourists visiting New York City walk free with their gravity knives.

“Fuck, man. These tourists were like a bottomless pit of collars and overtime. Now I’m going to have to actually make stops based on reasonable suspicion and maybe find something illegal? The job is changing,” said the Tier 3 officer.

When The Hairbag asked if he felt any shame in collaring well-intentioned tourists who support police officers and merely carried the knives for self-defense, he replied by saying,“The law is the law. Period,” before driving off in his blue-line adorned personal car with no front license plate, a tinted rear license plate cover, a 1% tinted windshield, and blowing several red lights.

BROOKLYN – Earlier today, the Police Commissioner announced a proclamation ordering the Department to rethink its Body-worn Camera policy, as current issues have come to a head, The Hairbag has learned. 

The news comes after a revelation in which it was determined too much ambiguity existed within the current policy, leaving cops with too much time on their hands and mouths trying to decipher what they are and aren’t permitted to do as far as the cameras are concerned.

Sources said the, “Is your BWC on?” decals in the RMP’s will be the first items on the chopping block.  “The original intent was to ensure accountability, but instead the cops are spending too much time blowing off radio runs trying to determine if their cameras need to be on,” said the source.

At a press conference on the matter, the Deputy Commissioner of Public Information said, “The problems with our current policy have reached the point of climax. We can’t have cops just jerking around,” he said, adding that new training will be implemented. “The training will begin in the next few weeks once the curriculum is ready. The last thing we want is a premature release.”

In the field, one Brooklyn officer said she had plenty of experience with the cameras, but repeated use has left her unsatisfied with the equipment and wanting more.

“I wish the job would just tell me when they want me to turn this thing on,” she said, sipping her protein shake. “I’ve been driving bosses for a decade, so turning things on is usually my specialty, but sometimes a girl needs a little direction,” she said.

Further exasperating the issue, supervisors are apparently giving improper instructions in malfunction situations. One supervisor reportedly hit his operator’s device from the back, causing irreparable and unexpected damage to the rear slot.

According to the Risk Management Bureau, in the event of a malfunction, officers are supposed to, “Reach around and fiddle with the connector, gently stroking the equipment,” a spokesman said. “That should help alleviate any built up stress inside the device,” he added.

While the unions plan to protest the new training, the Department is standing firm and vows to erect a policy that will withstand any legal challenge, assuring the new procedures will go down easy once the cops get used to it.

Meanwhile, at the Police Academy, a particular Brooklyn North command was ranked #1 on the dream sheets of newly promoted sergeants, who repeatedly asked if the midnight platoon had any openings, both figuratively and literally.

MANHATTAN – As part of sweeping reforms to the arraignment process for firearm arrests, all five District Attorneys have announced that social media photos of arresting officers posing with the weapons will be required prior to any court proceeding, sources told the The Hairbag earlier this morning.

The shocking news comes as citywide conviction rates have been plummeting, leaving Assistant District Attorneys scrambling to find ways to improve their lackluster numbers. “We had to do something,” said the Bronx District Attorney, touting her dismal 2% conviction rate and adding, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

In Brooklyn, another Assistant District Attorney said, “How can we be completely sure the arrest even happened without social media evidence? Sure, surveillance video of the actual crime is great, but jurors want to see cops standing in front of a dirty muster room table, hands on their hips, as the firearm is proudly displayed,” said the veteran ADA.

He added the more ridiculous the photo, the better the chances of winning at trial. “What I would tell the cops out there is to get as many people as you can in the photo. Grab the precinct cleaner, a nearby crossing guard, even the NCO’s if you can find them. Make sure they’re in the frame and toss in a nice filter. This will seriously increase the chances of getting a conviction.”

In the field, the members of the service we spoke with had mixed feelings about the new requirement. “It’s about time,” said Police Officer Dempsey, an anti-crime cop.

“You know how hard it is to rush to gun runs before patrol gets there, and articulate how we’re entitled to the collar? That takes skill,” added the officer, who is nearing the end of his probationary period.

“The photo means we’re finally getting the recognition we not only crave, but deserve,” he said, returning from a 10-90Z gun run where he was the first on scene, but left without doing any of the paperwork. “Besides, these photos are great for use on Tinder.”

Another officer in Queens was less than ecstatic. “It’s just more of the same. Handcuff the cops with stupid rules like this, and crime will just skyrocket. I got 4 years left, then I’m out,” he told us, later saying his gun collar ended in a declined prosecution because the Twitter photo was of such low quality, the gun was not clearly visible on the table. “They want pictures, but they give us outdated cameras without portrait mode. Total bullshit.”

We reached out to the Legal Aid Society about the change in policy, who indicated a sense of pride at the move. “For years, we’ve been trying to guarantee a more fair and transparent prosecutorial system around the five boroughs,” said a spokeswoman.

“The Twitter photo requirement is a step in the right direction. Cops posing with confiscated evidence and marginally clever captions such as ‘while you were sleeping’ ensure the most vulnerable New Yorkers receive due process,” added the spokeswoman.

In anticipation of the change, the Community Affairs Bureau will be adding a cadre of uniformed members armed with state-of-the-art photography equipment. The Chief of Community Affairs said, “It’s not just about #onelessgun, but #onemorephoto.”

The Chief assured our reporters that no personnel will be taken from other units, ensuring the skilled investigators assigned to the bureau will continue to host BBQ’s citywide.

In a strange twist, PO Dempsey was later placed on modified duty after a judge dismissed his gun collar. It was determined he had merely posed with his own firearm. He was unavailable for comment.